The black hole was close today. In the morning I felt the anger and the irritation boiling inside my mind.
In the afternoon I had a very interesting meeting so I felt more relaxed and positive. Tomorrow I have a day off because my wife has to go to the hospital. I will look after my children and I really looking forward to that.
I hope the dark clouds will stay away and we have a nice day together. I will even make pancakes, so the party is really on.
Sometimes the black hole is very close. This weekend we celebrate my wifes birthday and in the morning we had to clean up the house for the guests.
At a moment I felt the anger took a jump and I was very bitter.
I told my wife that I had the feeling to walk away and never come back. She was of course "very happy" with my announcement on her birthday.
I felt so down and so useless at that moment that these words came out my mouth.
Of course I stayed and it was a very nice party and all the guests were happy.
At a moment I was talking to a aunt of my mother and she told us that she had no contact with her youngest daughter for more than 16 years. She was moved out by her son in law with the message that he allready hated her for more than 2 years.
When I hear such things I felt happy with "just" a depression. I can work on that and it will heal. But such experiences with your children and you are not able to have contact with your children and grandchildren is more worse, I think.
I am very happy with my wife and I hope we stay together for the next 200 years.
The last days I think I am useful. People are happy with me and that gives me a good feeling. I feel relaxed and the dark clouds are far a way.
I feel full of energy and don't need much sleep. I am already looking forward to the holiday saison. I really want to have a good time with my family and hope we have better holiday than least year.
Last time I felt so unhappy and we had a great time together, we had good weather, a nice place to be, etc, but I felt like I was not there any more. I really was unhappy.
But I have treatment now and I understand my dark feelings better, so I will enjoy the time with my family and be there for them, so they have a great time also.
I went today to my therapist and it really went good. She is very satisfied about my progress and she was happy with the way I handle my dark moments.
I ask her what happens with the problems what triggered my depression. The answer is that those events will stay in my system and will be a part of my mental status, but I will learn to manage and recognize the difficult moments and handle them.
Of course I will get angry and of course I will have a bad mood sometimes, but when the black hole is coming to me I am able to manage that and stay the nice husband and father.
I must learn to face the heart of my problems and give them a place in my system.
That is the new mission for the coming weeks.
Today we went out for a nice day in a amusement park with a large swimming pool.My kids loved it and it was for me a very good day. I stayed relax, had no attack of anger and everything went really well.
I hate this kind of events because most of the time there are to many people and I don't like big crowds.
After we went home my wife asked me about my feelings over the day and I said good. She told me that she had no idea about that. She normmally knows when I have a bad day, but she could not see that I had a good day.
Such day proves to me that their is still progress in my illness and that makes it even a much better day.
