Free

After yesterdays boost of selfconfidence today was a day that was very easy. No problems, I worked some things out that were on my list to do for a long time. I was in a good mood today and I hope that the new job wil occure very soon. I like new challenges and adventures. I like to start things up from the bottom.
I always have the need to be underway. That is maybe not so good, but I'll allways like to travel around and discover new things.
I'm a restless human being, but I think that is oke.
Tomorrow I will work hard on my selfrespect and selfconfidence to keep the good feeling growing.

New start

Today my selfconfidence gets a real boost. I'm in the running for a new job. I was allready talking with them in January, but I got the impresion that they don't want to do business with me.
They only talked with me, because they had to from their bosses, but it seems that the people really wants me. That gives a really good feeling. My selfconfidence and respect will rise.
It will take a while before the whole thing becomes reality, but the feeling that people really wants you is very good.
Last night I felt really shaken up, see my former post, but that feeling is gone. There is more joy inside me and the monster is far away in the bush.

Clouds

It was a quiet weekend, but now I feel dark clouds forming around me. Everything looks sharper and I feel myself getting doubts about many things who were strong positive earlier on.
I'm loosing my feeling of belonging to the people around me, No, more I'm loosing my feelings and emotion. My wife tried to be nice and loving to me, but I felt not much. I still love her very much, but I 'm loosing that magic feeling of being happy together. I must keep telling to myself that this is because of my depression, but it makes me very nervous and scared. At this point with these feelings it is very easy to say the wrong words to each other and destroying things that are very important and valuable.

Easy

Today it felt really easy. I had complete balance inside myself. People asked a lot things and I had no trouble to change my focus on some different jobs.
It is sometimes very hard for me to change my focus from one job to another, but today it was very simple. I had no stress, no problem with the pressure of doeing things right.
My family was allso in balnace today, they had a great day together, so that gaves me a good feeling.
The weekend will now start so I had to be very careful with my mental state, because I have to shift from the working status to the family status. I think this weekend will be no problem.

Selfrespect

It was a good day today. Allthough I felt my mood went down went I arrived at the office. Someonelse was opening the premises and that is normally my job. At such a moment I can feel my mental state goes down and I get the feeling that I'm not useful anymore.
I was able to keep my head cool and worked this nasty feeling away from me.
That gaves me a great feeling of selfrespect. I was able to work this problem out and I felt myself very good in balance today.

Keep working

It was a normal working day, but I felt strong and in balance. I did my job and the job of someone else and that makes me very happy. It is good when you can replace him and he is very pleased with the way you do the job for him.
I allso looked at some pictures of my marriage and for the first time I could even look to them.
For a long time I couldn't look to myself on a picture or in a movie. I was afraid to see myself happy and to feel myself sitting in my Blach Hole.
I even left the room when my wife wanted to look at our weddingmovie.
So I made for myself this giant step and look to my face while it shines.

Working

Today I worked together with my wife. It was nice, but when we are so close I can feel the monster inside of me. I have to fight very hard for myself to keep the predator outside, I tried to stay calm and to keep my voice down, no screaming when I want something different, but keep calm and listen to the other.
I have the biggest problem with people who don't react on my words when I speak to them. It is just like they don't want to listen to me, if they ignore me because I'm myself. These are the moments when the monster inside myself steps inside my safe home and really attacks me and try to kill me.
These are the moments when my Black- Hole opens and I'm falling in to it.
At this moment that feeling is far away, I feel calm and quiet and I will survive today and look confident into tomorrow.

Smoothly

Today and yesterday it felt like everything went smoothly. No problems and I felt myself very happy and full of selfrespect. Tomorrow is allso a day off, so I can rest a little and get more strenght mentally. Maybe I have to face some diffulculties tomorrow, but I'm prepared.
I try to be mice to my family and keep my monster of angry outside my safe house. Today and yesterday I feel no sign off this predator.

Too much

Today I felt too much. I want to replace a collegua but someone else passed me. I tried to stay professionel, but I felt bad about it. I had time enough to do the extra job and I know all about it. It is more or less my nature to do this job.
Today I found out that another want to do this job, so I'm passed.
And know I feel the monster knocking on my door. I will fight it and take care of it. I feel very strong so I can beat it today.
Allso I'm finding strenght in listening to some fine music. That always helps me to overcome the animal outside my safe home.

Sunshine

Today the sun is shining. I felt confident and happy. People want to work with me and nothing disturbed this feeling.
Tonight I felt some of the monster again softly shouting inside me, when my kids didn't want to listen to me. But I kept the animal outside and kept my emotions inside. Not to hide them, but really brought my mind to a rest.
I'm hoping and working on a even better state of mind of tomorrow so I can beat the monster and move it far away from my premises, far into the woods.

Getting stronger

Today I felt more stronger than yesterday. It seems there was no black hole 2 days ago. It is very strange that you are positive and believes in the good things after only days of suffering and feeling completly lost and down.
I can not imagine to go back in the black hole, but is there outside waiting for me.
It is like a great and mean predator standing outside your save house. Everytime when you look outside you maybe see but mostly you feel the monster. You don't want to go outdoors, because it is save and warm inside.
In life you must go out, so you have to fight the monster.
Now you feel confident about this fight, but for how long?

Feeling better

Today was a better day. I felt myself more confident and more happy. My colleguas are very kind today so I felt more selfrespect.
Tonight I had a very good conversation with my wife, so we get better on track to understand each other more.
Tonight I had a meeting with the club and I forgot all my troubles and got back the feeling that people want to talk with me and trusted my becausse of the person I am.

Black Hole

Hello everybody,

I'm starting this Blogger because I'm suffering of a depresion. I try to write about it and share my mental state on the internet so I can become better.
I feel myself sometimes sitting in a deep black hole and I'm very, very angry.
It is for my sometimes impossible to love my wife and children because I feel so angry and so down, that I feel to run.
At this moment I feel no love or anything to everyone who says they love me.
In this blog I wil try to wright everyday so I can share my feelings.