Struggle

The last two days were a struggle to keep my head up. After we gave our children there penalty, I was very upset about it. I felt very disappointed about this punishment. But I had something to look forward to.
This trip with the boys from the shop had a false start because of sending the wrong bus.
In the morning I had a clash with a collegue about answering the phone.
The night before I only had slept for 4 hours because of my son, who had trouble with his teeth.
All this together weakened my emotional balance very much. I was thinking of just going home and hide myself in the garage of so. I had just one thought and that was just run.
But I was able to keep my mind clear and found some balance back.
The evening with the boys was very nice and I really was relaxed. It was a good thing to do this kind of things, just to restore my emotional balance and lose all the bad thought and feelings.
I lost all my anger and today I felt very tired, but more or less happy. Tomorrow I will try to become less tired and feeling in balance again.

Pressure

It was full of pressure today. At the office I had to replace 2 collegues and try to do my job. I had to finish some of my own work because the month is coming to an end. But 2 collegues are ill so the pressure is coming up and there was to much work for everyone.
It was difficult for me to keep calm and stay relax. I want to finish my jobs, so I can stay in line with the timeplanning, but I'm able to replace other people and that is very nice for the management to put me in charge on some other places.
At home I had to tell my kids that I had the punish them. This conversation was in my mind all the day and makes me unhappy.
We told tonight the penalty to our children and I felt a bit reliefed that the message was coming through. I think they will perform better in the time to come. Tomorrow night I will go out with my collegues and that will relax me. I'm looking forward to this event.

At the edge

My wife spoke to me about something I had fixed this weekend and it failed again.
At the moment she told me so, I felt like I was standing on the edge of a very large and deep crater.
It felt like the ground was pushing me to the rim and I felt complete lost. I had to talk to myself for a couple of hours to lose these feeling and find my balance back.
This close is still the feeling of joy and balance from the total deep black hole.
I told my wife about this and she will be afraid of saying something to me. But that is not right. She must talk to me just as normal.
I have to work on that problem that all things that are said no longer bring me out of balance. I must stop thinking to far when someone speeks to me.
The problem is most of the time that I felt like defending myself.
People are trying to help and support me. I feel like they are attacking me.
This is maybe the base of my deeper problem and I must work on this issue.

Free

Today was free of mental trouble. I was just doing my job and felt good about it. It was going the way I wanted it.
Yesterday was a very nice day with the visit of my best friend and his family. We just had a nice afternoon together, very relaxed.
They stayed for dinner and it was very nice to hear the kids making jokes and making magic tricks. This was something I have to live for.
I must be very pleased with such a moment, just simpel pleasure and no problems and very difficult issues in my head.
These are the moments that life is pure and simple.
For a couple of years I wouldn't even think about this things, but now I'm spectator and comment s these kind of situations.
The trouble is that I must stay part of it and be inside the fun and good feeling, rather than standing on the sideline and just overview the situation as a spectator.
This is the next step in my fight, to be not afraid of having fun.

Regular

It was just normal the last 2 days. Nothing gets me out of balance. We were awake the half of the night because our son had a lot of pain in his mouth. But I felt no disturbance during the day. the balance was very good.
I'm looking out for tomorrow when one of mine oldest friend wil visit us. Something I 'm allways looking forward. It relax me and will keep me away of thinking of my problems.
I still thinks the human mind is something very special and delicate. You must just step outside the your border of you experience something during your early days and the rest of your life you have to struggle with it.
I'm aware of this when I raise my kids. It is very important that you work carefully with the things they experience in their life. They trust you and must rely on you. That is something what I allways keep in mind.

Normal

Everythings goes normal. I had no reaction on things said to me or about actions from me.
It all went normal.
This post becomes boring, because I have nothing to report what is very interesting.
I'm proud of my self because at the club where I do some things, the actions I take are welcomed with pleasure. People are happy with me and want to work allso positive to achive some goals at our commitee. That gives a really good feeling.
So, I have post something very positive and boosts my mental status.

Mountain

Today was a day on top of the mountain. The view was beautiful, the air was fresh and clean. I felt really in good condition.
No sign of the predator inside me and just the feeling that everything was on his place.
I must remember this day when I am down from the mountain into the deep valley of my illness.
It is a bit like the Grand Canyon when you stand on the ridge it is so overwhelming, but when you must climb up to the ridge it is a very hard job and you have the feeling that you are very deep down.
But I must keep working to stay in this good mood. Allso it keeps me hoping that I will recover from my depression, but it will be a long way and I must climb a number of times back to that ridge.

Sunshine

Today felt like a summerday. Everything was good and all the things I had struggled with the last weeks are more or less gone.
I had a good talk with my boos and he understood my problem, but he didn't want to put me outside, he just did what he felt to do without notifing me.
He will look for some other projects for me and the new job is still in progress.
It really felt good today so I will work to keep this feeling,

Up and down

This weekend my mental status went like a rollercoaster. On saturday I stand along the field and one moment I felt the monster coming up in me and the other moment I felt quiet and in balance.
This feeling was allso on sunday, I was feeling in balance but my wife said some innocent things and I felt myself very angry and pushed back. In my mind came the thought that she had enough of me and that our marriage is coming to an end.
In my mind that is a very big problem, because the ground shakes and I lose all my balance. Everything is than unsore, my whole life and everything I believe in is falling apart.
On the other hand my mind is allready working on this scenario, because I allways want to be prepared for things that are coming.
These thoughts are coming in me in about a second and I have to work hard to put everything in the right perspective.
My wife was feeling not so well and the kids made a mess in the house. I was forgotten to prepare for dinner, so offcourse she was mad, but she still loves me.

I'm happy and in balance again.

The edge

The last 3 days felt like I was walking on the edge. The first day I felt very down and upset because my life seemed to be stopped, no challenges, no future, no interesting thinks and happenings to come. I told my wife this is the way for the rest of our life, I'm at the end of my career, this is it. No one will ever work with me and I must stay in my postion till I retire.
I felt so angry that we shouted to each other and I felt a great relief when we discussed these feelings.
I felt happy that I had said these things, because I know that a lot of people like me and want to work me.
My wife insisted to make an appointment with my boss to discuss these feelings, so I will talk to him this week. He knows about my problems and he tried to understand them. He couldn't believe that I had a depression. He said that he relied on me and trusted me to keep my head cool in difficult times.
I explained to him that this was not just a thing, but is was build up in a long period of negative experiences.
Today I felt me running on the edge of good feelings because I solved some problems for a number of people and my commitments in the club of my kids is working very well.

Trapped

Today I felt trapped inside my mental status. It is difficult to do something and not thinking about your illness. Everything you do, feel or think is linked to your depression.
But isn't it normal to be angry sometimes or feeling tired or having not so much fun. Isn't it normal that you are doing things that makes you not happy.
At the moment everything you feel etc. is linked to your mental health and all the time you are trying analyse all that you do, feel or think.
I have to stop with that because it makes my so tired and keeps me away from thinks that are really important.
I must focus on real life and not analyse everything.

Time

The last 2 days there was no time to be afraid of my mental status. I was so busy and my days were loaded with work and meetings.
I felt some anger when I had to do something what I didn't expected, but I was able to keep myself calm and easy and I think that nobody notice it.
I felt even something of happiness inside myself, because of the way things went these days.
Now starts the real challenge in the weekend with the family, because they know me the best and they have missed me the last 3 days. They will ask a lot of attention and interest from me, while I want to stay quiet and calm because I'm tired and want to relax.

Up

Last 2 days were good. I felt happy and confident. At my work I feel myself useful and happy. At home everything is going fine, so I have not much trouble.
But the anger is close. Someone has to say a little thing and the monster steps out.
You can feel yourself very sure about your state of mind, but in a snap you can lose yourself and you have to remind yourself that you are stil fighting with your emotions and your illness.

Sinking

The last days went up and down. I felt very good during the weekend, but sunday night it went very deep down. The predator came into my safe house and killed all of my good feelings.
It started with my son who didn't listen to me and I really got very angry. I send him to his room and my wife said to me that I did it a little bit wrong.
At such a moment I felt all my good feelings flew away from me and the monster of lack of selfrespect came in. I felt the world is no longer turning anymore, my life came to an end and will stay this way as long I live.
My selfconfidence disappeared directly and I start to think that everything is against me. I said to my wife that I felt empty and dead inside.
We talked about this and allso about my reaction on my son and that I had to make it good with him, before he went to sleep. You must never go to sleep angry she allways told me.
I talked to my son and we made it up to each other, so this thing was cleared.
My wife told me allso that I had to believe in my self and that the family have faith in me and they don't want to lose me.
When I am angry I really felt of running away from everything, but that will not solve the problem. The only way to get out of my depression is to work on myself and listen to the people who love me.

Boring

At the moment life is somewhat boring. I feel good and everything goes well.
Nothing happens so there is not much going on. Everything goes the way I liked, but 1 thing has put some pressure on me.
I was asked to help someone and I had to say no , because I wasn't able to help her with her duties.
I always have a bad feeling when I'm not able to support someone. Especially because the people has put me in charge to organise this kind of help.
I'm supporting the club of my kids with some help. I must find the volunteers to keep the club running.
This is a hard job, but on the other hand it helps me to keep myself from becoming a workaholic and to stay every day late on my daily job.
With the support of the club in the evenings and the weekends it breaks the daily routine and it keeps my mind fresh.