Birthday

Tomorrow is my birthday and I don't feel much about it.
Today my wife and kids gave me my presents and that feels good. My wife wll take me away for a weekend in a nice town. So we will out just the two of us, like the old days.
In that weekend we also celebrates our 12,5 year of marriage, it is really something special.
Tomorrow we go together to the therapist, because my wife has some questions about my illness and how she must respond to it.
I am looking forward to that appointment and I am happy she will come along.

Doubt

Yesterday my son disappionted me again. I kept thinking about it all day and I was really in doubt about my power of being a father.
I came home and I was not able to discuss the issue and I kept quiet. He was thinking that I was angry and he kept his mouth shut.
I brought him to his bed and I only said to him that I was disappointed. That made a very big impact on him and I hope he learned finally to stay out of other mens gear.
At the end I was proud about my own patience.

Today we went together to the match and he was very easy to handle.

Next step

I believe I have to make a next step in my recovery. I must learn myself to enjoy the little things in life. I cannot live on with my unhappines. It disturbs the enviroment around me and people will turn away from me in the end.
I must find a way to get grip on my dark feelings, but it takes a lot of time

Relationship

I was feeling a little bit better today, but in the afternoon I felt that something in the relationship with my wife is changed.
For my feeling something is broken, is gone.
I felt really sad about it, but it is maybe a feeling on my side. I hope we can discuss this somewhere in the week.
Tonight I was with my youngest son to taekwondo and I was sitting there and I felt unhappy. It is unbelieveble but it is.
I think that is the great frustation of my wife, that she wants me to feel and be happy and I am not able to feel that way.
I know a lot of people wil trade place with me, but I must admit that with al the happiness around me, I feel really unhappy.
My mind made a list of all the good things, but I don't have a good feeling with those items.



I still need to do a lot of work.

Enviroment

Today is a worldwide action for the enviroment, but I don't feel to be part of it.
The Black Hole striked me yesterday very hard. I was so deep down, that I have asked my wife for a divorce. She don't want and that was the only positive thing. I was so depressed and back to my darkest feelings, that I wasn't able to communicate. I just wanted to shout and leave everything. I didn't want to stay anymore with my wife and kids.
In my opinion they were better off without me. I told my wife that she must kick me out for more 10 years ago, that she become more happier with an other man, etc.
It was a very big argument, but we finished together in each other arms crying.
I thought that dark hole was far away, but in a moment it is back and hits you very hard.
Today I was very down and angry,I wasn't a nice collegue or father. At the moment I feel better and my believe in better times is a little bit back.

About the enviroment I want to see this: I don't believe we can change the climate. The earth will be much stronger than we. Every 10.000 or 100.000 years the climate will change and that is normal.
100.000 years ago it was very cold and now it becomes a little warmer. In the next 100.000 years it maybe become cold again.
Or the sun will become more powerful and than the earth will heat up, just at it will vaporize and the end of the lifecycle of the sun, in about 4,5 billion years from now.
We will see.

Question

Hello EA,
Thanks for your comment. At the moment I am manager back office at a car dealership. I am responsible for the organisation behind the desk's. I am looking after the invoices, planning, warrantyclaims, etc.
It is very nice but it is running very good now and I cannot put much energy in it anymore, it is finished. I think someone else has to continue this proces.
So I am looking around and that gives me already a good feeling. I like the uncertainty and the look of a new adventure.

Communication

I love it when someone comments on my blog. It really helps when you know that people are reading the short pieces you write.
At the moment I feel really good. The black feelings are far away. Yesterday we had a family meeting on the boat of my brother in law. Normally I feel not good about these afternoons. I feel myself left out and I have the feeling I am no part of the family.
Yesterday I was calm and I had non of these feelings. Today I felt relaxed. I had another contact with the job agency, who are offering me another job. They really want to have me.
The job they offer was not really my kind of thing. I want a job in a company were things are not running and there is no profit. I need that the challenge to build something, to put a lot of energy in.
So I wait for that challenge...

Light

I can see a little light at the end of the tunnel. I discussed with my therapist that the treatment wil be lower in the coming period. I also thinks that it is getting better.
I know what can happen with me and I know how to treat my dark feelings.
Only holidays wil be my weak point but I will work on that.

This week the jobagency send me another email with a job and they already called me.
He asked of I am interested, but we will see. I asked him some questions and I will wait.
It feels really good when people want you.