Struggle

The last 2 days I had to struggle against falling into my Black- Hole.
I felt really tired and I can sleep the whole afternoon.
I allso felt the anger coming up when things didn't work the way I wanted. I even ran away from a situation because I didn't want it to evolve in a big fight and a sinking away in the deep. I had more appointments that day so I want to stay in balance and don't stay angry allday.
Yesterday afternoon was very relax with my family and I didn't felt tired or so. But today I have slept all afternoon, because I was exhausted.
These feeling is unknown to me because normally I have energy enough to go on and on. I sleep every night about 6 hours and that is enough.
I allso feel no inspiration to do soem thing, I just want to sit down and just do nothing. I think this a part of the healing of my depression and I must admit that I loose energy because of the struggle. The harder I must struggle, the more I miss the nergy to do other things.

No Time

The last days I had no time to work on my blog. My mind was not set to think about items to publish.
It really helps me when I'm down or in a difficult period, but when things go oke, the need to write down is less.
Still,it is very important to look at your mental balance, even in good times. Now I am able to oversee some items which were very hard to face when you are out of balance.
For example I know I'm very rich with a good marriage and 2 healthy kids. We have not much big problems, exept my depression. But we can talk about it very open, so we understand eachother.
I am allso very happy with my job, allthough I think I have to move on because I'm getting bored of my daily job. I'm thinking of new challenges and that gives me a lot positive energy. There are so many changes in the world to enrich your live, that I feel the power of these games in myself.
Before I take a new challenge I first have to work to make my mental balance stronger. I know that a dive in the blackness of my depression is not far away.

Calm sea

It is just like floating on a quiet sea. Everything goes well and I feel very good. The anger is far away and offcourse there is some anger at the usual moments, but they aren't special.
It is normal that you get angry at your children when they didn't listen or don't do what you ask them to do.
I really must think that is "normal "anger.
This weekend we had a family party and I felt good. I didn't felt lesser than anyone else or that kind of thoughts.
My son told last night that he couldn't go to sleep without seeing me. That really keeps you on your feet. We had before a big argument, because he didn't want to go to sleep, and I was tired so we clashed. After that he had to say goodnight to me because we allways say to each other: Don't be angry when you go to sleep.
You must recognize these moments to believe in the cure of your disease. I must think of this moment when I fall down in my Black Hole. At such a moment it is allways very difficult to remember the positive thinks.

No time

The last 4 days I had no time to work on my Blog. Every evening I had some appointments but I miss my Blog.
At he moment there is nothing going on. I feel balance and nothing disturbs it.
Last night my son had to play a soccergame and it went wrong. He was not concentrated and the other side played really mean. At some moments I felt the monster of my anger coming up, especially when my son was attacked or when he was sleeping on his feet.
Now I can understand that feeling and keep it inside myself.
These weekend we will have a celebration in the family, but now I have no problems with it, so I'm waiting what will happen.
At the office work is going well, but in my mind I'm allready making plans and looking for new business to go one. I cannot sit still, I am human.
My therapist is satisfied with the way I work on my mental health, so that gives allso a good feeling.

Party

This weekend I had a party. I was not looking forward to it, because I hate to stand there and feel myself less than everyone else, because they they had it made in their lives or they look down on me.
I am not sure of that but I feel it sometimes that way. People who came on that party are relatives of the host of the party and a lot of them I didn't know or I didn't want them to know.
I felt very tired before we went there and I really was looking for ways not to go there.

But...

The party was very nice. The people I spook with were very nice. I even have danced with my wife and I had no feeling that people were looking down on me.
I felt really good that we visit the party and we were a little bit disappointent that we had to leave early because of the babysitter.

So, I must judge things before I have experience them.

Climming

The last 2 days I felt myself climming up the hill. I felt good, in balance and without any pressure.
Yesterday I had a meeting and as chairman they all agreed with me, liked to work with me and everyone was doing his job, just the way I had in mind.
It felt so very good, for the first time in months I felt something of happiness.
No dark thoughts, no feeling less or overcomplete, but just right.
Today a little of that feeling was gone, off course, but I keep on feeling great. I have enough work to do and everyone wants to work with me or asking my assistance. Even customers are pleased to talk with me.
I must remind this days and maybe I must try to keep it this way.

Spirit

The last days I have lost a little bit of my spirit. I feel like I had enough, it was oke, I'm looking for the finish.
I want peace around me and no more responsibelaties and obligations. I just want to be left alone.
I'm looking for a lonely island somewhere in the Pacific and nobody around me.
My wife will say than that I will going mad after 3 days, because I'm a newsjunkie and I'm allways afraid of missing some information.
But a the moment I'm feeling really tired and I don't want to respond on other peoples call for information and help. I don't want to communicate at all.
I'm dreaming of just saying goodbye to everyone and just take a boat, car or plane and leave these society and create my own world.
But I think it will not cure my depression, so I must stay here and fight and struggle with all these feelings and try to become myself again.

Exhausted

The last 3 days I felt exhausted, not in my mind, but in my body. In the afternoon my eyes want to close and I felt really sleepy.
Maybe I have to been busy with all sort of things and offcourse the struggle with my depression cost a lot of energy.
It is for me a new experience to feel so tired, because normally I'm full of energy.
I must come to the conclusion that my mental battle sucks all my energy out of my body.
The strange thing is that when I'm so exhausted, my mental balance stays good. I don't feel more anger or a deep black hole, I just stay calm.
The only feeling what came up is that I want this battle to come to an end. I just want to live normally. I want back peace in my mind and around me.
I don't want to feel myself coming short on a lot things, in my eyes, but I want just peace and quietness, no more complex problems.
When I'm tired I am not looking for any responsibilety, but put everything away from me. So I cannot do something wrong or forget a thing.

Busy

The last days I was very busy. I had no time to write my Blog. I felt really good the last days. Everything was in balance.
Today I felt tired and then the mental fight starts. I had soem things to do, but I failed to do them and then I am very disappointed in myself.
I must learn to get the notion that I'm not able to do everything and that some things are to difficult for me.
Last monday I had a good session with my therapist, she was very happy with the way I handle my illness. But I still have a long way to go.
At the club of my kids we had a meeting and people seem to be very happy with me. They gave me compliments with some initiatives we will start and that feels really great.
They know nothing of my illness, they just know the way I am and do things for or with them.
In the past I have learned that people don't like what I do or say. Not because what I said, but because it was me who said it. They had their own agenda and didn't want me to interfere in their own ego-driven business.
I allways have tried to stay honest and open but that was not the way you had to do.
In the future I will try to stay open and honest, because I think that is the best way to keep your mental status healthy and keeps down the stress

Quiet

It was a quiet day. Nothing special happened. I had to work on my mental balance and I fixed a job that was for long on my list of things to do.
I gives a good feeling when you finished a job and you scratch it from your list.
I'm now preparing for tomorrow when we are going to work and to my therapist for the next session.
I need these sessions to become aware of my problems and to discuss the way I must follow to restore my mental health.
We will see what is next in the planning to overcome my illness and find back my mental balance.
It is good to discuss your problems with someone who understands your problem. You must tell your story somewhere to start recovering. If you never find a way to say the things that are on your mind, it will become a stone around your neck and it can kill you.