Fragile

Today I felt how fragile my mental balance is. I put some statements in a forum and get some very nice replays. But when people having comment on my words I feel the black hole close to me.
That is really weird, because they were right and I was maybe to strong in my words, but I was out balance.
So close is my depression under my skin.
I am very happy with their comments and I liked the discussion, but my mental status has a big job to come in terms with it.
I allso had a meeting at the club and I was not very good prepared. Before I went there I felt not good. I am used that people are having a lot of trouble with your lack of preparation and will tell that to everyone.
Now there was no comment and it was oke. I felt a great relief.
Tomorrow my kids will go with their schooltrip. I must pick them up when they return. I am looking forward to that and allso I have to cock for them, I think it is something very easy and simple

Medication

The answer of the question about my none medication is that I have choosen for this way.
They have offered me medication, but I choose to fight without it, as long as I feel that I can handle the situation.
I'm not found about medication and I have seen to many effects on your body and mental status.
Most people get more weight and I am very keen on that because in my family is a lot of diabetes and so on.
At the moment I have no thought in my mind to start with medication, but I fight with everything inside me and offcourse with this blog.

Combat

It still is acombat to overcome a depression. When I read stories in some forums on the internet I feel not alone in my battle.
Everybody has a different strategy and a different battle on a different level.
I really feel that I have struggle inside myself to stay a nice person for my enviroment.
Especially for my kids it is sometimes hard to understand. But they stay full of confidence in their father. That is one of the great things of children, that they love their parents without any question.
That gives allso a great responsebility for me to stay a real father for them. They must feel safe and trusted with you.
In your battle against your depression you still be their father and rolmodel. But that is maybe allso a positive thing to look forward when the black hole is around you.

Not alone

When you look around the internet it is very interesting to see that a lot of people are struggling with the same problems.
Off course every depression is different and everyone lives in different conditions, but the most people have to fight to keep their mental health in balancen and they have to do the fighting alone.
You can only hope that someone is standing next to you and understands you, but you are in combat and you and only you must face the troubles and the challenges.
The battle is on and in the same time you will life a normal live. You must look after your wife, girl- or boyfriend or husband and most of the times your children.
You want them to be happy with you, but at the same moment you want to be alone to fight your battle and find your mental balance back.
For me is writing about my feelings and the illness a great help. I can do this alone and so fight this battle and overcome my disease.
I think that I have to write a lot of this blogs before the cease fire is reached.

Depression

A depression is a very rare disease. At the moment I feel myself very in balance and there is no trace of any problem.
I know that there is a problem and that it will strike me, but now it is very calm.
I feel relax allthough I must take some action on the club, because I have the call a lot of people and I don't feel the need to do that.
I have promised it so I must do it tomorrow, at the last moment off course.
I'm looking for a long weekend, but I am a little bit scared,that the illness will attack when I am free.
It is for everyone very disappointing when I am at home and suffering from my illness. They will have a nice and friendly father and not an very angry babysit.

Balance

Last night I felt I still have to work on my mental balance. My youngest son had a bad dream and couldn't sleep. He told that he had a nightmare about his dead.
When I heard this I really felt cold inside myself. I couldn't sleep again.
I was totally out of balance and I saw allready his empty bedroom and his grave.
Sometimes just a little thing can strike you like a rocket.
Today I had a good session with my therapist and she was allso very satisfied.
It is still a long way to go, but there is progress.
We found out that my main problem is my drive to become a winner. I allways want to be the best, but that is not important. It only keeps you going and thats no good.I allways want to stay in front, I don't want to miss anything.
This is offcourse one of the reasons for my illness.
We found out that it is more important to mean something for someone. In that way your live can get a meaning. If you only live to become number one, there is no reason for being here.
The reason for your live is to mean something for someone else.

Standing up

Today it went better as yesterday. I felt more relax and the anger was far away.
I even played a game with my sons and we had a lot of pleasure. I was able to lose without any bad feelings.
It was relaxed, I was in balance and that gave me a good feeling. After the dip from yesterday I was allready in balance after one night sleep. That is a good sign.
I am better to overcome a black hole in such a short time. I had allready project 3 to 4 days to find back my mental balance, but it is there now.
Off course it helps that I had no special things to do today or to pay any visit. I was at home all the day.
But it gives me a good feeling and that is the most important lesson from today.

Avalanche

Today it went really well, but when I came home it really went down. My wife had a bad day because she was really tired and the kids were very noisy.
I was prepared for this so it was no surprise, but at the end when I was working on my computer it really snapped in my mind.
The anger came over me like a avalanche, I kicked against the door and became very, very angry.
I was aware of my emotions and I knew how to handle them. I became very quiet and still. I brought my son to bed without speaking one word.
My wife asked me later if she was quilty of my negative emotions, but I was only self quilty about these negative emotions.
I realised that I have a lot of work to do about myself to find my mental balance and be a nice and friendly daddy. It is allso very disappointing that I am free for a couple of days and I think I am not in a very good mood, because I have to climb back out of my Black Hole.

Fear

Today my wife and my kids went on a trip to my mother. But from the moment I awake till I got home, I got the fear that they were involved in a accident.
In my thoughts they were all be killed and my mind was preparing me for a life without them. It is really strange to be concentrated on the phone when you know that they were driving.
I was released when I called them and they were safe. I think that this is allso a part of the sickness. You really get the feeling that all the bad things will happen to you.
Your happyness will come to an end.The whole day I felt myself very quiet and calm, because I was prepared for the message that there was a accident. I even thougt about their funeral, that is really sick...
Now I am home and they are safe and that is a great relief.
It is strange to have this kind of thoughts. I don't want to live in fear. I want to feel free and confident, but that means a lot of work for me.

Mothersday

Today was mothersday, so I must stay calm and nice because my kids had prepared somethings for their mother. You must give them the feeling that it is very good what they do.
It went really well in the morning, they made breakfast, what they normally don't do.
We gave mother her presents, so that went well.
I even played a game with my sons. I cannot play a game because I hate to loose. My sons beat me and that was even no problem, I was a bit angry of myself because I had lost, but I stayed nice and friendly to them.
But then my youngest son said something and the anger stepped out really quick and heavy. I was so angry that I had to step outside the room and ran to the bedroom. I became a little bit calmer and was able to get myself washed and dressed with a more quiet mood.
My sons told my wife that I had a "attack of anger ".
The whole afternoon I felt a little bit down and quiet. The anger came back when I had to install the gifts from this morning. I very quick get the feling that I am not able to install anything and that I am not qualified to do such things.
But at the end it was ready and very good installed.
Sometimes the anger helps me to perform better or to achieve my goals. The adrenaline helps me to concentrate better.

Going up

The last 2 days were very busy. I had 2 meetings at the club on wednesday and at my job I had a lot of work, because it is very busy.
I have no time to look at my mental balance. It is really good for me to stay busy.
When I have time to think, all the black clouds coming over me. The clouds are gone when I am busy and people appreciate what I do.
I think it is really important when you have these illnes that you look out for a place to be with people who want to do something with you. Don't stay inside your own circle and keep feeling sorry for yourself.
Accept that you are ill and step forward by saying:
"I want to be appreciate by people an tell me that".
Look at the oppertunities to do something for someone else, so they say "thank you".
Off course this is very easy to say when you are in balance, but read this when you are in your black hole, I will now and off course later.

Contact

Today I felt really good, because I have helped some one with her problem. I am very happy with the reaction of "anonymous" it really gave me a good feeling.
It is very satisfying when some one reads your blog and after that takes the time to respond on your writing.
It allso makes you happy when your experiences helps another to find a way out of her sickness.
Today I had a discussion with my boss about my competence and my motivation. He knows about my depression, but he cannot understand it. He doesn't know how it is to sit in your black hole and feel yourself absolutely unhappy.
I told him that to overcome my sickness I have to find an other job within 1 year. I really need a new challenge and this job is a little below my level.
We discussed this point and I am very lucky, he will help me to find an other job, inside our company.
If you have the same trouble or something else, please comment this blog and we will discuss it. I know when you find some one to talk about your illness, it is allways better.

Relation

Hallo anonymous, it is very important that you can discuss your sickness inside your relationship. My wife understands it better when I am angry or down. It has deepens our relationship.
When you are afraid to talk about your illness with your partner you may have a clou why your mental balance is gone.
You must trust your partner. He is maybe not able to understand you, but he has choosen to have a relation with you, it means in good, but for sure, allso in bad times. It is so important that some one next to you can cope with your struggle and give you room to be down or to feel very angry.
The people very close to you cannot take over the battle, but they can support you and give you a safe place.

Believe

Anonymous left a comment and is interested how I come to terms with my depression.
First you must recognize for yourself that you have one and that you need help. You must find someone who believes you and you can trust. You must feel safe.
From that moment you must fight the battle with yourself, but you must have a strong believe in the outcome of the battle. The first step in overcoming a disease is in your mind.
Depression is a sickness of the mind. You are no lesser than anyone else or disabled. You are a normally person who is sick.
I do it without medicine, but with the help of my very good therapist. You must face your problem and try to talk about it. Make it clear to the people around you, but only the closest one. Other people can have trouble to understand you and will ignore your problem or make advantage of it.
The most important thing is to BELIEVE that there is an end of the tunnel. By talking or writing about your daily struggle, you will see a little light in the darkness.

Battle

The battle in my mind is still going on. I feel thE anger very close to the surface, but most of the time I can keep it down. Only my wife understands the signs of the monster that is stepping out.
I am happy to have a session with my therapist on monday, so I can talk about all the things that have passed the last weeks.
It seems like my recovery is standing still or even going backwards. But when I am realistic I have come from very far and I am allready on the right track to become better. I understand my problem and I can react on it.
I feel when it is going wrong and I can take measures.
Now I feel calm and relaxed and I hope to keep it this way.

Going down

The last couple of days it went really down with my mental balance. It felt allmost the same as a year ago when I found out that I was struggling with a depression.
I felt very unhappy and down. I want my heart to stop beatin, I don't feel any challenge or happiness in my life. It felt at the moment as if my life is over. There is no future left for me in the rest of my being on earth.
These are the feelings inside my black hole.
Yesterday I had a nice day with a lot of duties, meetings to attend and so on. But I came home. late at night, and it felt like the whole world was coming down on me. I was alone. because everyone was gone to bed, so there was no one to talk about this.
In my bed the feeling of the end of my life became stronger and stronger. I really had no power the reset my mind and concentrate on something positive.
Today I felt again tired and not amused. I was angry inside myself when someone asked something or wanted something from me.
I hope the feeling will leave me this weekend, because I want to be there for my family.