I had to go to a funeral. It was an old lady of 85 years, she lived next to us for a couple of years.
It was a nice service and it makes me feel good to be there. Their children were very happy with our interest, so we did a good thing.
In the morning I really felt really good. We had real fun with my collegues and we had a good time together.
It was really relaxed. I hope to get more of this days so my illness will leave my system. The mental balance is good.
Yesterday was a good day. My wife went to hospital and she was home very quick, with not much pain.I was very happy.
In the afternoon I went shopping with my sons and we had a great time. I had a lot of patience and I really needed that, because it took my son 45 minutes to decide what he wanted to buy from his birthday money.
I backed pancakes and that also went really wel, so it was a good day.
It seems like it is going up and the time between my black holes became longer.
When I wrote this down, I thought tomorrow it will strike me, but I must believe in myself and stay positive.
I spoke to an old friend of mine who was without a job for more than a year. He called me and he was back in business again. I was very happy for him and it was a good feeling that someone called you for these message.
I know a lot of people who will never call you, but only are interested when you invest time in them. When you need them they don't know you.
The black hole was close today. In the morning I felt the anger and the irritation boiling inside my mind.
In the afternoon I had a very interesting meeting so I felt more relaxed and positive. Tomorrow I have a day off because my wife has to go to the hospital. I will look after my children and I really looking forward to that.
I hope the dark clouds will stay away and we have a nice day together. I will even make pancakes, so the party is really on.
Sometimes the black hole is very close. This weekend we celebrate my wifes birthday and in the morning we had to clean up the house for the guests.
At a moment I felt the anger took a jump and I was very bitter.
I told my wife that I had the feeling to walk away and never come back. She was of course "very happy" with my announcement on her birthday.
I felt so down and so useless at that moment that these words came out my mouth.
Of course I stayed and it was a very nice party and all the guests were happy.
At a moment I was talking to a aunt of my mother and she told us that she had no contact with her youngest daughter for more than 16 years. She was moved out by her son in law with the message that he allready hated her for more than 2 years.
When I hear such things I felt happy with "just" a depression. I can work on that and it will heal. But such experiences with your children and you are not able to have contact with your children and grandchildren is more worse, I think.
I am very happy with my wife and I hope we stay together for the next 200 years.
The last days I think I am useful. People are happy with me and that gives me a good feeling. I feel relaxed and the dark clouds are far a way.
I feel full of energy and don't need much sleep. I am already looking forward to the holiday saison. I really want to have a good time with my family and hope we have better holiday than least year.
Last time I felt so unhappy and we had a great time together, we had good weather, a nice place to be, etc, but I felt like I was not there any more. I really was unhappy.
But I have treatment now and I understand my dark feelings better, so I will enjoy the time with my family and be there for them, so they have a great time also.
I went today to my therapist and it really went good. She is very satisfied about my progress and she was happy with the way I handle my dark moments.
I ask her what happens with the problems what triggered my depression. The answer is that those events will stay in my system and will be a part of my mental status, but I will learn to manage and recognize the difficult moments and handle them.
Of course I will get angry and of course I will have a bad mood sometimes, but when the black hole is coming to me I am able to manage that and stay the nice husband and father.
I must learn to face the heart of my problems and give them a place in my system.
That is the new mission for the coming weeks.
Today we went out for a nice day in a amusement park with a large swimming pool.My kids loved it and it was for me a very good day. I stayed relax, had no attack of anger and everything went really well.
I hate this kind of events because most of the time there are to many people and I don't like big crowds.
After we went home my wife asked me about my feelings over the day and I said good. She told me that she had no idea about that. She normmally knows when I have a bad day, but she could not see that I had a good day.
Such day proves to me that their is still progress in my illness and that makes it even a much better day.
Today it was like a wild sea. My state of mind went up and down.
First I heard that I won't refund some money, that really upsets me, because I really counted on it. I had calculed the amount , so I was looking for it, but it was a great disappointment.
I felt the black hole coming to me, but I was able to fight back and came back on top.
Tonight my wife said that she see progres in my illnes, so that makes me happy. She was very happy that I am more relax and enjoyable. That I have some very good moments with my kids and that the therapy is really working.
I agree with that, but there is still a long way to go.
I hope people will read this and become stronger and get more belief in their struggle. This thought really helps me to overcome my sickness.
Today I felt sick. I am very tired because we had a busy weekend and after that my mental balance went wrong.
I had to struggle to stay out of the black hole, but it is very close.
People are sometimes not fair. That is hurting me at this moment. I have a great problem to deal with that in some situations. I have to fight very hard to get these dark thoughts away and try to stay in balance.
Yesterday evening I had to go the church for a meeting with other parents and I felt not at home. Some people were so in to God that there was no ground for a real discussion about the way children must learn to understand that there is more than going to school and play soccer.
People really hang on to old traditions and don't want to open their eyes for changes. Everything changes and nothing is sure in life, times go on and the world is always turning.
The positive thing at the moment is that there are changes for other and more challenging work, but my wife is not happy with that. I don't know how to tell her and make enthousiastic. She has a lot of problems with changes and when things are not sure. She wants to be certain that the life we live now is the same in 10 or 20 years. I must fund the right moment and time to talk with her, because I start to believe in it and really like to investigate this oppertunity.
Yesterday my youngest son became 8 years and we celebrated this with his little friends.
It is very refreshing to hear what these young world citizens know about the world.
They know exactly which car is the fastest and in which country they are produced. The discussion was about the ranking in topspeed, but they agreed that a Ferrari is faster than a Porsche, but a Lamborghini is even faster.
They allso know all about vulcano's and there eruptions, but they discussed what is lava and what is magma.
All these subjects are discussed by 8 and 9 year old kids on the backseat of my car.
It really makes me happy to here such simple things, because it gave me a great reason to be here and to enjoy these kids for their honesty and their strong believe in what they say. They really believed every word they said to each other in the back on our way to the playfarm.
I still looking for the answer why I lost my mental balance? I have everything, a very lovely wife, a good marriage, 2 very healhty kids, a very nice job, a nice house and a very good car, but still can get very unhappy.
Ofcourse I talked a lot about this with my wife and my therapist, but it sometimes surprised me that I can get so depressed.
Last weekend my son had a tournament at the club. He played for 2 days and I was there to support him. But around noon I had to go home to do some other things and I felt myself getting down because I left him there. My wife said that he must learn that we cannot support him al the time, but I felt depressed about that.
It was just like I was young and I did everything without my parents because they had no time for me. I really want to protect my kids for that feeling, but on the other hand they have to learn to become selfsupporting.
I have a lot of difficulties by finding the right answers for this kind of questions.
And the joke is... my kids have no problem with that.
It is quiet inside my mind. It seems there is no depression. Everything goes nice and easy.
I know it is there underneath the surface, but it isn't coming out now.
It gives me a good feeling that there is progress in my sickness and that I can handle my mental balance better, but I'm afraid that a little thing can happen and it will burst out to the surface.
I hope not, but I am realistic, the struggle is not over yet. There is stil a long way to go.
