Routine

Every day is the same. Everything is back to normal. I have some form of mental balance. It is just routine.
At the office it goes well, no exciting events. At home it is all quiet and calm.
I feel relaxed and happy.
But somewhere inside my mind there is still that little voice what tells me that I have to move forward. It is quiet and very far away, but I can hear it.
My mental balance will be disrupted at some moment and the struggle will begin.
I hope it will stay calm for a long time

Final

It is over. The event is ready and done. It was a busy day with a lot of things to do and handle, but it al went well.
I had some stress the day before, but it went well. People were helpful and were pleased with me and my help. The only thing that we were missing was visitors but that was all.
Now I have a little pain in my muscles and I feel a little tired. Yesterday I went to bed very early and had a good nnight sleep.
I feel reliefed and satisfied that I was part of it and really could handle that pressure. Even when a lot of people were calling for me I felt calm and relaxed. I kept saying to myself, "stay calm, one thing at the time, what is more important, etc". Now it is finished and we go one to the next event.

Event

Coming saturday I am responsible for a event at our club. I feel relaxed about it, but I feel the nerves coming.
All the questions about everything running in my mind. But together with some other people I think it will be a succes.
Normally I will be there every minute and call every one to be sure it will be oké.
The illness keeps me calm. I realize that it has no effect to pump up my bloodpressure and puts mu heart beat above 150.
I keep calm with the thougt that I had done everything what I could do to make it a succes. And I believe it will be.

I keep learning every day

Therapy

This afternoon I had talk therapy. It was the first time in 7 weeks and I really needed it. It is always nice to talk about your illness and feel yourself and your problems understood.
It is getting better after this bad weekend. I have more control about my emotions and feel more relaxed.
This week we have a great event in our local area and I will be responsible for the saturday. That gives a bit of stress. That feels good, but I feel also a little fear that it goes wrong. That makes me uncertain, but I try to handle that.

Down

It was a black day. In the morning I had a argument withmy youngest son.
At the club I became very anger about an other father about his yelling to my oldest son. I was so angry that I just walked away from the field.
I went to do the shopping and my wife stayed at the club. I had no power to stay.
In the afternoon I visited and old friend. I did this to get myself out of my black hole.I felt happy that I was out and my thoughts are getting better and I am not so down anymore.

Disappointment

When I arrived home I was very disappointed. My sons has taken some money secretly. This was the third time and we were both very angry and stunned.
My wife had to cry and I felt really empty.
My day was good and it was the best day of last week, but now I felt my black hole.
I was even feeling sick after this news. We sent our kids to their beds for the rest of the evening and we sat together, with less words.
I thought I was on the way up, but now I feel empty and with no spirit. I just want to sit and do nothing, just waiting for tomorrow.

The day after

We have said goodbye to my father in law. It was a very emotional but also beautiful day.
The service in the church was very respectful, but the final meeting at the cemetary was really emotional. I found it very special when my oldest son speeched his goodbye to his grandfather.
During the final song,"time to say goodbye", my youngest son started to cry. I was so touched that even I had to cry.
In the church and the cemetary my 2 boys were sitting next to me and I really felt like a father. I felt good to hold and comfort them. That is the feeling I will try to keep, even in my very darkest moments.
I believe we have grown to each other as a family during the last week. I feel my self very close to my wife and kids.
Dark emotions are far away and I feel relaxed. It is very strange that a moment of deepest emotions and such a final goodbye makes you stronger as family and helps me to overcome my disease.

Silence

It is the silence before the storm. We al are waiting for tomorrow. After the service in the church and the cemetary, it is all over and our lives will go on.
Now there is a strange emotion in the house. The kids are nice and friendly, every one is preparing on his or hers way for the things to come.
I feel no emotion, but that can change tomorrow, we will see.

It will be a beautiful day, I think.

Family

I try to feel a part of the family. It is sometimes hard, because my familymembers know each other for more than 30 years.
I feel myself sometimes standing on the sideline. They have so much history together.
At this moment when the funeral is coming I still don't feel a part of the family. It is difficult for me to say exactly why, but it feels that way.
I must attend at the funeral but I do that for my wife and kids, not for myself. I don't have much emotions with my father in law. Most of the time I have know him he was ill and complaining about his illness.
There are ofcourse also nice moments, but I have trouble to find them.
It is a strange period now and I hope it will soon be over.

Top

This afternoon I felt really happy. For the first time in months, I had that special feeling.
Everything was oke, although my father in law has died, I was on a trip with my kids and a friend of them. I enjoyed going out together.
This morning I was at the club and that felt also very good, because people were happy with me and the new saison will start next week, so everything gets back to normal.
I am preparing for the funeral on tuesday. I must try to feel a part of the family. I always had the feeling that I was standing on the sideline. At this moment I am a full member, but I don't feel that way. I never had, but that is more my interpretation.
Now I try to keep my good feeling and no one can spoil that.

Preparations

A funeral asked a lot of preparations. You must think about cards, adresses, coffin, flowers, church, times, clothes, paperwork, etc. I was sitting on the sideline and was listening to everyone. The family made their own program in the spirit of their father and husband.
I felt calm and more or less not down or emotional. Tuesday is the day, so I can prepare myself.

Dead

Today my father in law died. I was standing with my wife and her mother, brother and sister and we saw life getting out of his body. I felt really emotional. I even felt tears in my eyes. It is a very special emotion to be in a room with the dead very nearby.
It is strange to see the man who was alive become just a shell with tissue.
Er was today no room for my problems, I was there for my wife and family. This morning and last night I had to prepare my kids for this event. The oldest was very emotional and the youngest stayed calm.
I am still calm and really relaxed, but we will see what happens in the coming days and at the funeral.

Power

Today I needed my power.My father in law is in the hospital and they more or less fear for his life. Now I have no time to think about my illnes, but I need to be strong for my wife.
But now I am stepping a side and that is no good. I must stay focused on my one problems, I cann't hide them.
I will support my wife in this difficult moments, but I allso have to pay attention on my own situation.
Today I had a good conversation with my boss. He will support me when I needed more or other therapy. The company is insured for hese kind of problems, so if I want more help, they wil find it for me.
I know this a unique offer and when I need it, I will use it.

My kids today told me that they feel unhappy when I got to work last monday. They miss me, because they thought that I was at home this week.

I must be proud about such a statement.

Back to work

Today I went back to work. One week to early, but I want to found out that going back to the daily structure, improved my mental balance.
I hate to say it, but it does. I feel really sorry for my family but today was one of the best days in the last 2 weeks. I felt no anger, no dark emotions, just a positive and good feeling. I even had a meeting at our club this evening and I really felt good.
Last night I told my wife that I felt sad about going to work and I really was. I still feel sad because my wife and kids are not able to give me that good feeling.
I have to work on that. I have to turn around this situation and find a good feeling with my family and work... is just work.

Relation

Today I had a long discussion with my wife about our relationship. We both had a bad holiday and she knows why, but she was not so happy with me. I told her that my struggle have taken a lot of time and I am only concentrated on myself. She was angry because I destroyed their holiday and also she understood my problems, she was not happy.
I wanted to go to work tomorrow to get my structure back in my daily routine. She was not happy because I left her again with the children, but she let me free, so I wil start tomorrow.
In my heart I want to stay at home for a week, but it is better for our emotions to be away. Not that we have problems with our marriage, but I can get very angry about nothing.
Our marriage is good we both think and we still love each other, so that is oke for the moment.

The day after

It was nice to sleep in our own bed and eat together at our table. This morning it all went good, but in the afternoon I got very angry and I couldn't understand why.
We were in a shop to buy some garden furniture but they had not our choice. We had to go to an other shop and I lost all my positive feelings. I was so angry that I could not buy what I want at that moment. It really blow up all of our good moods.
I had to struggle very hard with myself to stay nice for everyone. But in the car I was only thinking about leaving my family and move to an island were no one ever came. I really hated this live and didn't want to be a part of it.
Now I am little bit cooled off and are more easy. We bought the furniture and it will be delivered next week. My wife is very happy, so I most focus on that and overcome my own dark emotions.

Back in town

So , I am back in town and I am very happy.It was a hard time on vacation. First of all the weather was bad in the first week and I felt really bad.
On the second day I asked myself what I was doing there. I didn't like the vacationpark.
The third day we went bowling and I felt myself on an other planet. The people who where sitting there weren't my type, so I felt not at home.
The fifth day I really felt down and wonder how fast we could go back home. I felt really unhappy and in my black hole.
That feeling stays with me for about 2 days. I was very happy when my brother and sister in law came over for a visit. We had a good time together and I felt relaxed. It was very good and was convinced that I was able to handle my emotions for the rest of the week.
The day after was really bad. I felt very down from in a moment and I could not loose that feeling for the rest of the day. I felt sorry for my wife and kids because I was ruin there day and maybe there holiday. I really want to have the power to overcome these dark emotions and be a nice husband and father.
That night we talked about it and I think that I need a structure in my days. Normally I go to work and follow my daily routine, but on holiday there is no structure and that makes my uncertain.
We talked about her feelings about this holiday and she was not happy with my emotional problems. She is trying to keep us all relaxed, but when one of the kids begins to ask for something I feel the anger boiling inside me and I cannot react in a normal way.
I told my wife that I stay home next year and that I keep working, so I feel secure.
But I like to go out, I like to stay out with my family, I like to travel, so I there is a lot of work to do for next year.