Leaving

Today we will leave for 2 weeks. I t was very busy at the office, because I want my jobs donebefore I left. But the whole week I had to replace people, so my own duties were not done. That frustrated me, I even thought of not going on holiday for a day, but now I decided to leave everything and I wil see when I get back.
That is something new for me, because I am workaholic and I cannot leave my job when I think it is not finished.
Tonight I decided to stop working and enjoy my holiday.

So I wil leave my blog for 2 weeks

Music

Music is for me a way to change my emotions. It can help me to come out of a black hole. I love to drive in my car with some loud music.
When I am down, some songs can help my to change my mood.
Like the song I am now listening to: Bad from U2.
I know this song for more than 20 years and it always feels good. When I listen to this song I feel the positive energy inside myself, it really can change my day.
Music is sometimes a way of therapy for me.

Quiet

It was quiet the last days. The kids went to my parents for a couple of days, so it was stil at home. It is very strange 2 empty bedrooms when you go to sleep, but they are back and life is back.
This weekend I heard that someone we know also struggels with a depression. It is weird, because we always thought they had a good life together and with their children, but it can hit everyone.
In 5 days we will leave for holiday but I have mixed emotions about the trip. I hope that my black hole will stay away, I will work on that issue.

Coming together

I became more relaxed today. I tried not to think about the holiday.
I must focus on other things like my job or my duties for the club.
Today I heard a story about someone who is 21 and already has a whole lot of troubles around him. I felt myself relieved that I have a much easier life.
Ofcourse I have this illnes, but I am happy with my wife and kids, we are in good health and we like to stay together... most of the time.
I feel myself coming out my black hole and feel more positive.

I try to hold on

Stress

I am full of stress because of the coming holiday. I have a lot of worries about those 2 weeks, because of my depression.
I know when I have time to relax and there is no pressure, I will be irritated and feel very angry. This year I want to have a nice and calm holiday for my family, but that gives me a lot of tension.
My wife told me that I must relax and think about it and don't make any scenarios about what could happen.
In my heart I want to stay home and don't go. I don't want to stop the daily routine, because I am afraid what wil happen with my mental status.
But, my family want me to go with them so I must be prepared.

Holiday

My kids have holiday and they are very noisy. We need to keep them going, because when they do nothing on a day they are very busy at night. My wife is not feeling so good after her surgery, so there is a lot of stress in the house.
Next week they go for a couple of days to my parents and then it will be quiet at home.
I have a lot of trouble with the noise, I really hate it, but so are children, they say.
Sometimes I feel the anger coming up when they scream and yell together and I find it hard to stay calm.
This has nothing to do with my depression, I always hated it when people are scream and yell very loud. I like the noise of race cars and airplanes but I hate the sound of loud music and people... strange.

Forget

The last days I was so busy, I forgot al my problems. It seems that a full agenda has a positive effect on my mental balance.
Normaly taking a bit of distance from he things of live wil help, but I need to stay busy and with a lot of pressure to feel myself better. I don't know what is the good way?
I am maybe a little bit of workaholic, but I need to put my energy some where. When I have to much energy I feel restless and down. When I can spend my power I feel light and happy.
For example yesterday I went up at 6.15 am and went to bed 0.30 am. I had a great day and I felt really satisfied. I had a great mental balance and my dark feelings from the weekend were gone.
Maybe this is another road for revory.

Emotions

My emotions went back on track today. I talked with my therapist and that gave a little relief.
She thinks I am tired because I always go to the edge and more. I always want to test myself and if I feel good, I go on.
Now I was walking against the wall and than your dark emotions can easily take control.
I am afraid to go on holiday, because I want to have a good time with the family and be the nice and friendly father and husband. But I must not focus to much on that periode. When you are to keen on everything you will lose the feeling of the good times. I must just let it rol and see what happens during that weeks, we will see.

Hit

Today I was hit by my black hole. I felt tired and I went to bed in the afternoon. I really slept for a about half an hour, but after that I felt down.
I was irritated by everything. I even went back when my wife called me for dinner. I came down the stairs, heard my children yell and turned around and went back to my bed.
After 10 minutes I was able to go down again and face my family. I felt like I was sitting in my black hole and was not much of a friendly father and husband.
My youngest son don't recognise my problem and keeps talking to me, even if I asked him to calm down.
It is really weird, the last weeks it went really good, but now I am fully hit by my depression. I must face the struggle for tonight, but I believe in a good finish.