Doubt

Yesterday my son disappionted me again. I kept thinking about it all day and I was really in doubt about my power of being a father.
I came home and I was not able to discuss the issue and I kept quiet. He was thinking that I was angry and he kept his mouth shut.
I brought him to his bed and I only said to him that I was disappointed. That made a very big impact on him and I hope he learned finally to stay out of other mens gear.
At the end I was proud about my own patience.

Today we went together to the match and he was very easy to handle.

Relation

Today I had a long discussion with my wife about our relationship. We both had a bad holiday and she knows why, but she was not so happy with me. I told her that my struggle have taken a lot of time and I am only concentrated on myself. She was angry because I destroyed their holiday and also she understood my problems, she was not happy.
I wanted to go to work tomorrow to get my structure back in my daily routine. She was not happy because I left her again with the children, but she let me free, so I wil start tomorrow.
In my heart I want to stay at home for a week, but it is better for our emotions to be away. Not that we have problems with our marriage, but I can get very angry about nothing.
Our marriage is good we both think and we still love each other, so that is oke for the moment.

The day after

It was nice to sleep in our own bed and eat together at our table. This morning it all went good, but in the afternoon I got very angry and I couldn't understand why.
We were in a shop to buy some garden furniture but they had not our choice. We had to go to an other shop and I lost all my positive feelings. I was so angry that I could not buy what I want at that moment. It really blow up all of our good moods.
I had to struggle very hard with myself to stay nice for everyone. But in the car I was only thinking about leaving my family and move to an island were no one ever came. I really hated this live and didn't want to be a part of it.
Now I am little bit cooled off and are more easy. We bought the furniture and it will be delivered next week. My wife is very happy, so I most focus on that and overcome my own dark emotions.

Avalanche

Today it went really well, but when I came home it really went down. My wife had a bad day because she was really tired and the kids were very noisy.
I was prepared for this so it was no surprise, but at the end when I was working on my computer it really snapped in my mind.
The anger came over me like a avalanche, I kicked against the door and became very, very angry.
I was aware of my emotions and I knew how to handle them. I became very quiet and still. I brought my son to bed without speaking one word.
My wife asked me later if she was quilty of my negative emotions, but I was only self quilty about these negative emotions.
I realised that I have a lot of work to do about myself to find my mental balance and be a nice and friendly daddy. It is allso very disappointing that I am free for a couple of days and I think I am not in a very good mood, because I have to climb back out of my Black Hole.