Birthday

Tomorrow is my birthday and I don't feel much about it.
Today my wife and kids gave me my presents and that feels good. My wife wll take me away for a weekend in a nice town. So we will out just the two of us, like the old days.
In that weekend we also celebrates our 12,5 year of marriage, it is really something special.
Tomorrow we go together to the therapist, because my wife has some questions about my illness and how she must respond to it.
I am looking forward to that appointment and I am happy she will come along.

Relationship

I was feeling a little bit better today, but in the afternoon I felt that something in the relationship with my wife is changed.
For my feeling something is broken, is gone.
I felt really sad about it, but it is maybe a feeling on my side. I hope we can discuss this somewhere in the week.
Tonight I was with my youngest son to taekwondo and I was sitting there and I felt unhappy. It is unbelieveble but it is.
I think that is the great frustation of my wife, that she wants me to feel and be happy and I am not able to feel that way.
I know a lot of people wil trade place with me, but I must admit that with al the happiness around me, I feel really unhappy.
My mind made a list of all the good things, but I don't have a good feeling with those items.



I still need to do a lot of work.

Interview

Next week I will have my first interview for a new job. I was surfing on the net and I found this job. I knew the company because I applied there a couple of years ago, but I couldn't get the job.
Within 3 days they called me and we made an appointment for next tuesday.
It feels really good. I know this is the first talk, but I feel relaxed and full of energy. What a difference with last sunday.
It seems that the outlook of a new step in my life makes me really feel better. But I must be aware of the possibility of a great disappointment. I am sure that I am not the only candidate, ofcourse I am the best.....
Well, we see next week.

Coming together

I became more relaxed today. I tried not to think about the holiday.
I must focus on other things like my job or my duties for the club.
Today I heard a story about someone who is 21 and already has a whole lot of troubles around him. I felt myself relieved that I have a much easier life.
Ofcourse I have this illnes, but I am happy with my wife and kids, we are in good health and we like to stay together... most of the time.
I feel myself coming out my black hole and feel more positive.

I try to hold on

Fun

Yesterday was a good day. My wife went to hospital and she was home very quick, with not much pain.I was very happy.
In the afternoon I went shopping with my sons and we had a great time. I had a lot of patience and I really needed that, because it took my son 45 minutes to decide what he wanted to buy from his birthday money.
I backed pancakes and that also went really wel, so it was a good day.
It seems like it is going up and the time between my black holes became longer.
When I wrote this down, I thought tomorrow it will strike me, but I must believe in myself and stay positive.
I spoke to an old friend of mine who was without a job for more than a year. He called me and he was back in business again. I was very happy for him and it was a good feeling that someone called you for these message.
I know a lot of people who will never call you, but only are interested when you invest time in them. When you need them they don't know you.

Birthday party

Yesterday my youngest son became 8 years and we celebrated this with his little friends.
It is very refreshing to hear what these young world citizens know about the world.
They know exactly which car is the fastest and in which country they are produced. The discussion was about the ranking in topspeed, but they agreed that a Ferrari is faster than a Porsche, but a Lamborghini is even faster.
They allso know all about vulcano's and there eruptions, but they discussed what is lava and what is magma.
All these subjects are discussed by 8 and 9 year old kids on the backseat of my car.
It really makes me happy to here such simple things, because it gave me a great reason to be here and to enjoy these kids for their honesty and their strong believe in what they say. They really believed every word they said to each other in the back on our way to the playfarm.

Smoothly

Today and yesterday it felt like everything went smoothly. No problems and I felt myself very happy and full of selfrespect. Tomorrow is allso a day off, so I can rest a little and get more strenght mentally. Maybe I have to face some diffulculties tomorrow, but I'm prepared.
I try to be mice to my family and keep my monster of angry outside my safe house. Today and yesterday I feel no sign off this predator.

Sunshine

Today the sun is shining. I felt confident and happy. People want to work with me and nothing disturbed this feeling.
Tonight I felt some of the monster again softly shouting inside me, when my kids didn't want to listen to me. But I kept the animal outside and kept my emotions inside. Not to hide them, but really brought my mind to a rest.
I'm hoping and working on a even better state of mind of tomorrow so I can beat the monster and move it far away from my premises, far into the woods.

Feeling better

Today was a better day. I felt myself more confident and more happy. My colleguas are very kind today so I felt more selfrespect.
Tonight I had a very good conversation with my wife, so we get better on track to understand each other more.
Tonight I had a meeting with the club and I forgot all my troubles and got back the feeling that people want to talk with me and trusted my becausse of the person I am.