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This afternoon I felt really happy. For the first time in months, I had that special feeling.
Everything was oke, although my father in law has died, I was on a trip with my kids and a friend of them. I enjoyed going out together.
This morning I was at the club and that felt also very good, because people were happy with me and the new saison will start next week, so everything gets back to normal.
I am preparing for the funeral on tuesday. I must try to feel a part of the family. I always had the feeling that I was standing on the sideline. At this moment I am a full member, but I don't feel that way. I never had, but that is more my interpretation.
Now I try to keep my good feeling and no one can spoil that.

So close

The black hole was close today. In the morning I felt the anger and the irritation boiling inside my mind.
In the afternoon I had a very interesting meeting so I felt more relaxed and positive. Tomorrow I have a day off because my wife has to go to the hospital. I will look after my children and I really looking forward to that.
I hope the dark clouds will stay away and we have a nice day together. I will even make pancakes, so the party is really on.

Close

Sometimes the black hole is very close. This weekend we celebrate my wifes birthday and in the morning we had to clean up the house for the guests.
At a moment I felt the anger took a jump and I was very bitter.
I told my wife that I had the feeling to walk away and never come back. She was of course "very happy" with my announcement on her birthday.
I felt so down and so useless at that moment that these words came out my mouth.
Of course I stayed and it was a very nice party and all the guests were happy.
At a moment I was talking to a aunt of my mother and she told us that she had no contact with her youngest daughter for more than 16 years. She was moved out by her son in law with the message that he allready hated her for more than 2 years.
When I hear such things I felt happy with "just" a depression. I can work on that and it will heal. But such experiences with your children and you are not able to have contact with your children and grandchildren is more worse, I think.
I am very happy with my wife and I hope we stay together for the next 200 years.

Combat

It still is acombat to overcome a depression. When I read stories in some forums on the internet I feel not alone in my battle.
Everybody has a different strategy and a different battle on a different level.
I really feel that I have struggle inside myself to stay a nice person for my enviroment.
Especially for my kids it is sometimes hard to understand. But they stay full of confidence in their father. That is one of the great things of children, that they love their parents without any question.
That gives allso a great responsebility for me to stay a real father for them. They must feel safe and trusted with you.
In your battle against your depression you still be their father and rolmodel. But that is maybe allso a positive thing to look forward when the black hole is around you.