Diabetes

Today I heard that I have diabetes. I was expecting this but not so soon. My bloodsugar was 18 so I must be looking very good after myself. Maybe this is allso a trigger for my depression. I know when your bloodsugar level is going up and down your mental status is allso running up and down.
I have started with some medication already today.
I feel a little bit sad and disappointed with this news, I think a lot of nice things are over now. I really like good food and a good glas of wine, but I must take care and look for a good diet to keep my disease under control.

Communication

I love it when someone comments on my blog. It really helps when you know that people are reading the short pieces you write.
At the moment I feel really good. The black feelings are far away. Yesterday we had a family meeting on the boat of my brother in law. Normally I feel not good about these afternoons. I feel myself left out and I have the feeling I am no part of the family.
Yesterday I was calm and I had non of these feelings. Today I felt relaxed. I had another contact with the job agency, who are offering me another job. They really want to have me.
The job they offer was not really my kind of thing. I want a job in a company were things are not running and there is no profit. I need that the challenge to build something, to put a lot of energy in.
So I wait for that challenge...

Back again

It was a quiet week. There was not much action and my mental status was good.
Yesterday I received an email from a jobagency. They asked me for a job....

I found out that it was about the same job as last week. The owner of the business has already choosen someone. I felt good about the interest in me, but I had to say no.

Tomorrow we go to a leisure park. I hope we have a nice day and that I will keep my mental balance.
We allso discussed our next holiday last week. My wife has some doubt about it, but we will try it again next year. I think it wil go better.

Routine

Every day is the same. Everything is back to normal. I have some form of mental balance. It is just routine.
At the office it goes well, no exciting events. At home it is all quiet and calm.
I feel relaxed and happy.
But somewhere inside my mind there is still that little voice what tells me that I have to move forward. It is quiet and very far away, but I can hear it.
My mental balance will be disrupted at some moment and the struggle will begin.
I hope it will stay calm for a long time

Back in town

So , I am back in town and I am very happy.It was a hard time on vacation. First of all the weather was bad in the first week and I felt really bad.
On the second day I asked myself what I was doing there. I didn't like the vacationpark.
The third day we went bowling and I felt myself on an other planet. The people who where sitting there weren't my type, so I felt not at home.
The fifth day I really felt down and wonder how fast we could go back home. I felt really unhappy and in my black hole.
That feeling stays with me for about 2 days. I was very happy when my brother and sister in law came over for a visit. We had a good time together and I felt relaxed. It was very good and was convinced that I was able to handle my emotions for the rest of the week.
The day after was really bad. I felt very down from in a moment and I could not loose that feeling for the rest of the day. I felt sorry for my wife and kids because I was ruin there day and maybe there holiday. I really want to have the power to overcome these dark emotions and be a nice husband and father.
That night we talked about it and I think that I need a structure in my days. Normally I go to work and follow my daily routine, but on holiday there is no structure and that makes my uncertain.
We talked about her feelings about this holiday and she was not happy with my emotional problems. She is trying to keep us all relaxed, but when one of the kids begins to ask for something I feel the anger boiling inside me and I cannot react in a normal way.
I told my wife that I stay home next year and that I keep working, so I feel secure.
But I like to go out, I like to stay out with my family, I like to travel, so I there is a lot of work to do for next year.

Forget

The last days I was so busy, I forgot al my problems. It seems that a full agenda has a positive effect on my mental balance.
Normaly taking a bit of distance from he things of live wil help, but I need to stay busy and with a lot of pressure to feel myself better. I don't know what is the good way?
I am maybe a little bit of workaholic, but I need to put my energy some where. When I have to much energy I feel restless and down. When I can spend my power I feel light and happy.
For example yesterday I went up at 6.15 am and went to bed 0.30 am. I had a great day and I felt really satisfied. I had a great mental balance and my dark feelings from the weekend were gone.
Maybe this is another road for revory.