Sick

Today I felt sick. I am very tired because we had a busy weekend and after that my mental balance went wrong.
I had to struggle to stay out of the black hole, but it is very close.
People are sometimes not fair. That is hurting me at this moment. I have a great problem to deal with that in some situations. I have to fight very hard to get these dark thoughts away and try to stay in balance.
Yesterday evening I had to go the church for a meeting with other parents and I felt not at home. Some people were so in to God that there was no ground for a real discussion about the way children must learn to understand that there is more than going to school and play soccer.
People really hang on to old traditions and don't want to open their eyes for changes. Everything changes and nothing is sure in life, times go on and the world is always turning.
The positive thing at the moment is that there are changes for other and more challenging work, but my wife is not happy with that. I don't know how to tell her and make enthousiastic. She has a lot of problems with changes and when things are not sure. She wants to be certain that the life we live now is the same in 10 or 20 years. I must fund the right moment and time to talk with her, because I start to believe in it and really like to investigate this oppertunity.

Fear

Today my wife and my kids went on a trip to my mother. But from the moment I awake till I got home, I got the fear that they were involved in a accident.
In my thoughts they were all be killed and my mind was preparing me for a life without them. It is really strange to be concentrated on the phone when you know that they were driving.
I was released when I called them and they were safe. I think that this is allso a part of the sickness. You really get the feeling that all the bad things will happen to you.
Your happyness will come to an end.The whole day I felt myself very quiet and calm, because I was prepared for the message that there was a accident. I even thougt about their funeral, that is really sick...
Now I am home and they are safe and that is a great relief.
It is strange to have this kind of thoughts. I don't want to live in fear. I want to feel free and confident, but that means a lot of work for me.