The day after

We have said goodbye to my father in law. It was a very emotional but also beautiful day.
The service in the church was very respectful, but the final meeting at the cemetary was really emotional. I found it very special when my oldest son speeched his goodbye to his grandfather.
During the final song,"time to say goodbye", my youngest son started to cry. I was so touched that even I had to cry.
In the church and the cemetary my 2 boys were sitting next to me and I really felt like a father. I felt good to hold and comfort them. That is the feeling I will try to keep, even in my very darkest moments.
I believe we have grown to each other as a family during the last week. I feel my self very close to my wife and kids.
Dark emotions are far away and I feel relaxed. It is very strange that a moment of deepest emotions and such a final goodbye makes you stronger as family and helps me to overcome my disease.

Silence

It is the silence before the storm. We al are waiting for tomorrow. After the service in the church and the cemetary, it is all over and our lives will go on.
Now there is a strange emotion in the house. The kids are nice and friendly, every one is preparing on his or hers way for the things to come.
I feel no emotion, but that can change tomorrow, we will see.

It will be a beautiful day, I think.

Preparations

A funeral asked a lot of preparations. You must think about cards, adresses, coffin, flowers, church, times, clothes, paperwork, etc. I was sitting on the sideline and was listening to everyone. The family made their own program in the spirit of their father and husband.
I felt calm and more or less not down or emotional. Tuesday is the day, so I can prepare myself.

Going out

Today we went out for a nice day in a amusement park with a large swimming pool.My kids loved it and it was for me a very good day. I stayed relax, had no attack of anger and everything went really well.
I hate this kind of events because most of the time there are to many people and I don't like big crowds.
After we went home my wife asked me about my feelings over the day and I said good. She told me that she had no idea about that. She normmally knows when I have a bad day, but she could not see that I had a good day.
Such day proves to me that their is still progress in my illness and that makes it even a much better day.

Fear

Today my wife and my kids went on a trip to my mother. But from the moment I awake till I got home, I got the fear that they were involved in a accident.
In my thoughts they were all be killed and my mind was preparing me for a life without them. It is really strange to be concentrated on the phone when you know that they were driving.
I was released when I called them and they were safe. I think that this is allso a part of the sickness. You really get the feeling that all the bad things will happen to you.
Your happyness will come to an end.The whole day I felt myself very quiet and calm, because I was prepared for the message that there was a accident. I even thougt about their funeral, that is really sick...
Now I am home and they are safe and that is a great relief.
It is strange to have this kind of thoughts. I don't want to live in fear. I want to feel free and confident, but that means a lot of work for me.