Event

Coming saturday I am responsible for a event at our club. I feel relaxed about it, but I feel the nerves coming.
All the questions about everything running in my mind. But together with some other people I think it will be a succes.
Normally I will be there every minute and call every one to be sure it will be oké.
The illness keeps me calm. I realize that it has no effect to pump up my bloodpressure and puts mu heart beat above 150.
I keep calm with the thougt that I had done everything what I could do to make it a succes. And I believe it will be.

I keep learning every day

Therapy

This afternoon I had talk therapy. It was the first time in 7 weeks and I really needed it. It is always nice to talk about your illness and feel yourself and your problems understood.
It is getting better after this bad weekend. I have more control about my emotions and feel more relaxed.
This week we have a great event in our local area and I will be responsible for the saturday. That gives a bit of stress. That feels good, but I feel also a little fear that it goes wrong. That makes me uncertain, but I try to handle that.

Family

I try to feel a part of the family. It is sometimes hard, because my familymembers know each other for more than 30 years.
I feel myself sometimes standing on the sideline. They have so much history together.
At this moment when the funeral is coming I still don't feel a part of the family. It is difficult for me to say exactly why, but it feels that way.
I must attend at the funeral but I do that for my wife and kids, not for myself. I don't have much emotions with my father in law. Most of the time I have know him he was ill and complaining about his illness.
There are ofcourse also nice moments, but I have trouble to find them.
It is a strange period now and I hope it will soon be over.

Not alone

When you look around the internet it is very interesting to see that a lot of people are struggling with the same problems.
Off course every depression is different and everyone lives in different conditions, but the most people have to fight to keep their mental health in balancen and they have to do the fighting alone.
You can only hope that someone is standing next to you and understands you, but you are in combat and you and only you must face the troubles and the challenges.
The battle is on and in the same time you will life a normal live. You must look after your wife, girl- or boyfriend or husband and most of the times your children.
You want them to be happy with you, but at the same moment you want to be alone to fight your battle and find your mental balance back.
For me is writing about my feelings and the illness a great help. I can do this alone and so fight this battle and overcome my disease.
I think that I have to write a lot of this blogs before the cease fire is reached.