Diabetes

Today I heard that I have diabetes. I was expecting this but not so soon. My bloodsugar was 18 so I must be looking very good after myself. Maybe this is allso a trigger for my depression. I know when your bloodsugar level is going up and down your mental status is allso running up and down.
I have started with some medication already today.
I feel a little bit sad and disappointed with this news, I think a lot of nice things are over now. I really like good food and a good glas of wine, but I must take care and look for a good diet to keep my disease under control.

Enviroment

Today is a worldwide action for the enviroment, but I don't feel to be part of it.
The Black Hole striked me yesterday very hard. I was so deep down, that I have asked my wife for a divorce. She don't want and that was the only positive thing. I was so depressed and back to my darkest feelings, that I wasn't able to communicate. I just wanted to shout and leave everything. I didn't want to stay anymore with my wife and kids.
In my opinion they were better off without me. I told my wife that she must kick me out for more 10 years ago, that she become more happier with an other man, etc.
It was a very big argument, but we finished together in each other arms crying.
I thought that dark hole was far away, but in a moment it is back and hits you very hard.
Today I was very down and angry,I wasn't a nice collegue or father. At the moment I feel better and my believe in better times is a little bit back.

About the enviroment I want to see this: I don't believe we can change the climate. The earth will be much stronger than we. Every 10.000 or 100.000 years the climate will change and that is normal.
100.000 years ago it was very cold and now it becomes a little warmer. In the next 100.000 years it maybe become cold again.
Or the sun will become more powerful and than the earth will heat up, just at it will vaporize and the end of the lifecycle of the sun, in about 4,5 billion years from now.
We will see.

Down

It was a black day. In the morning I had a argument withmy youngest son.
At the club I became very anger about an other father about his yelling to my oldest son. I was so angry that I just walked away from the field.
I went to do the shopping and my wife stayed at the club. I had no power to stay.
In the afternoon I visited and old friend. I did this to get myself out of my black hole.I felt happy that I was out and my thoughts are getting better and I am not so down anymore.

The day after

We have said goodbye to my father in law. It was a very emotional but also beautiful day.
The service in the church was very respectful, but the final meeting at the cemetary was really emotional. I found it very special when my oldest son speeched his goodbye to his grandfather.
During the final song,"time to say goodbye", my youngest son started to cry. I was so touched that even I had to cry.
In the church and the cemetary my 2 boys were sitting next to me and I really felt like a father. I felt good to hold and comfort them. That is the feeling I will try to keep, even in my very darkest moments.
I believe we have grown to each other as a family during the last week. I feel my self very close to my wife and kids.
Dark emotions are far away and I feel relaxed. It is very strange that a moment of deepest emotions and such a final goodbye makes you stronger as family and helps me to overcome my disease.

Coming together

I became more relaxed today. I tried not to think about the holiday.
I must focus on other things like my job or my duties for the club.
Today I heard a story about someone who is 21 and already has a whole lot of troubles around him. I felt myself relieved that I have a much easier life.
Ofcourse I have this illnes, but I am happy with my wife and kids, we are in good health and we like to stay together... most of the time.
I feel myself coming out my black hole and feel more positive.

I try to hold on

Stress

I am full of stress because of the coming holiday. I have a lot of worries about those 2 weeks, because of my depression.
I know when I have time to relax and there is no pressure, I will be irritated and feel very angry. This year I want to have a nice and calm holiday for my family, but that gives me a lot of tension.
My wife told me that I must relax and think about it and don't make any scenarios about what could happen.
In my heart I want to stay home and don't go. I don't want to stop the daily routine, because I am afraid what wil happen with my mental status.
But, my family want me to go with them so I must be prepared.

Sick

Today I felt sick. I am very tired because we had a busy weekend and after that my mental balance went wrong.
I had to struggle to stay out of the black hole, but it is very close.
People are sometimes not fair. That is hurting me at this moment. I have a great problem to deal with that in some situations. I have to fight very hard to get these dark thoughts away and try to stay in balance.
Yesterday evening I had to go the church for a meeting with other parents and I felt not at home. Some people were so in to God that there was no ground for a real discussion about the way children must learn to understand that there is more than going to school and play soccer.
People really hang on to old traditions and don't want to open their eyes for changes. Everything changes and nothing is sure in life, times go on and the world is always turning.
The positive thing at the moment is that there are changes for other and more challenging work, but my wife is not happy with that. I don't know how to tell her and make enthousiastic. She has a lot of problems with changes and when things are not sure. She wants to be certain that the life we live now is the same in 10 or 20 years. I must fund the right moment and time to talk with her, because I start to believe in it and really like to investigate this oppertunity.

Answer

I still looking for the answer why I lost my mental balance? I have everything, a very lovely wife, a good marriage, 2 very healhty kids, a very nice job, a nice house and a very good car, but still can get very unhappy.
Ofcourse I talked a lot about this with my wife and my therapist, but it sometimes surprised me that I can get so depressed.
Last weekend my son had a tournament at the club. He played for 2 days and I was there to support him. But around noon I had to go home to do some other things and I felt myself getting down because I left him there. My wife said that he must learn that we cannot support him al the time, but I felt depressed about that.
It was just like I was young and I did everything without my parents because they had no time for me. I really want to protect my kids for that feeling, but on the other hand they have to learn to become selfsupporting.
I have a lot of difficulties by finding the right answers for this kind of questions.
And the joke is... my kids have no problem with that.

Combat

It still is acombat to overcome a depression. When I read stories in some forums on the internet I feel not alone in my battle.
Everybody has a different strategy and a different battle on a different level.
I really feel that I have struggle inside myself to stay a nice person for my enviroment.
Especially for my kids it is sometimes hard to understand. But they stay full of confidence in their father. That is one of the great things of children, that they love their parents without any question.
That gives allso a great responsebility for me to stay a real father for them. They must feel safe and trusted with you.
In your battle against your depression you still be their father and rolmodel. But that is maybe allso a positive thing to look forward when the black hole is around you.

Depression

A depression is a very rare disease. At the moment I feel myself very in balance and there is no trace of any problem.
I know that there is a problem and that it will strike me, but now it is very calm.
I feel relax allthough I must take some action on the club, because I have the call a lot of people and I don't feel the need to do that.
I have promised it so I must do it tomorrow, at the last moment off course.
I'm looking for a long weekend, but I am a little bit scared,that the illness will attack when I am free.
It is for everyone very disappointing when I am at home and suffering from my illness. They will have a nice and friendly father and not an very angry babysit.

New start

Today my selfconfidence gets a real boost. I'm in the running for a new job. I was allready talking with them in January, but I got the impresion that they don't want to do business with me.
They only talked with me, because they had to from their bosses, but it seems that the people really wants me. That gives a really good feeling. My selfconfidence and respect will rise.
It will take a while before the whole thing becomes reality, but the feeling that people really wants you is very good.
Last night I felt really shaken up, see my former post, but that feeling is gone. There is more joy inside me and the monster is far away in the bush.