Back on the Front

Well I am back. After my last post I lost my feeling for writing. I was so busy with a lot of things and I felt really good.
I still feel very good, but I had 2 dark moments in the last 5 weeks. The first dark moment appears when I was out with my wife for our 12,5 year anniversary for our marriage.
I was in our hotelroom and I felt so down and empty, I even dreamed about it. The next day I was a little quiet and my wife noticed that of course. When we arrived at home my parents invited us to go out for dinner and than I also felt a little down.
In contrast of these dark moments the next evening we went out for dinner again with our kids and that felt really good. It was a surprise for them and for my wife. I had arranged it because of our anniversary. It was a great succes....
Last sunday was my second dark moment. just a second and I was so angry...
I felt really down and was not able to communicate with my wife. We both went to bed angry and quiet.
We talked with my therapist and we think that a lot of my problems appears when I have to much energy. I must get rid of these surplus of power. So now I am looking for a way to do something fysical.

Relationship

I was feeling a little bit better today, but in the afternoon I felt that something in the relationship with my wife is changed.
For my feeling something is broken, is gone.
I felt really sad about it, but it is maybe a feeling on my side. I hope we can discuss this somewhere in the week.
Tonight I was with my youngest son to taekwondo and I was sitting there and I felt unhappy. It is unbelieveble but it is.
I think that is the great frustation of my wife, that she wants me to feel and be happy and I am not able to feel that way.
I know a lot of people wil trade place with me, but I must admit that with al the happiness around me, I feel really unhappy.
My mind made a list of all the good things, but I don't have a good feeling with those items.



I still need to do a lot of work.

Enviroment

Today is a worldwide action for the enviroment, but I don't feel to be part of it.
The Black Hole striked me yesterday very hard. I was so deep down, that I have asked my wife for a divorce. She don't want and that was the only positive thing. I was so depressed and back to my darkest feelings, that I wasn't able to communicate. I just wanted to shout and leave everything. I didn't want to stay anymore with my wife and kids.
In my opinion they were better off without me. I told my wife that she must kick me out for more 10 years ago, that she become more happier with an other man, etc.
It was a very big argument, but we finished together in each other arms crying.
I thought that dark hole was far away, but in a moment it is back and hits you very hard.
Today I was very down and angry,I wasn't a nice collegue or father. At the moment I feel better and my believe in better times is a little bit back.

About the enviroment I want to see this: I don't believe we can change the climate. The earth will be much stronger than we. Every 10.000 or 100.000 years the climate will change and that is normal.
100.000 years ago it was very cold and now it becomes a little warmer. In the next 100.000 years it maybe become cold again.
Or the sun will become more powerful and than the earth will heat up, just at it will vaporize and the end of the lifecycle of the sun, in about 4,5 billion years from now.
We will see.

Light

I can see a little light at the end of the tunnel. I discussed with my therapist that the treatment wil be lower in the coming period. I also thinks that it is getting better.
I know what can happen with me and I know how to treat my dark feelings.
Only holidays wil be my weak point but I will work on that.

This week the jobagency send me another email with a job and they already called me.
He asked of I am interested, but we will see. I asked him some questions and I will wait.
It feels really good when people want you.

The day after

It was nice to sleep in our own bed and eat together at our table. This morning it all went good, but in the afternoon I got very angry and I couldn't understand why.
We were in a shop to buy some garden furniture but they had not our choice. We had to go to an other shop and I lost all my positive feelings. I was so angry that I could not buy what I want at that moment. It really blow up all of our good moods.
I had to struggle very hard with myself to stay nice for everyone. But in the car I was only thinking about leaving my family and move to an island were no one ever came. I really hated this live and didn't want to be a part of it.
Now I am little bit cooled off and are more easy. We bought the furniture and it will be delivered next week. My wife is very happy, so I most focus on that and overcome my own dark emotions.

Emotions

My emotions went back on track today. I talked with my therapist and that gave a little relief.
She thinks I am tired because I always go to the edge and more. I always want to test myself and if I feel good, I go on.
Now I was walking against the wall and than your dark emotions can easily take control.
I am afraid to go on holiday, because I want to have a good time with the family and be the nice and friendly father and husband. But I must not focus to much on that periode. When you are to keen on everything you will lose the feeling of the good times. I must just let it rol and see what happens during that weeks, we will see.