Relieved

I am back from my holiday and it was good. I was not angry or felt down. The black hole didn't appear.
Everyday I did my exercise and loose my energy, I really took care of my food, so everyone was happy.
We had a great holiday as a family, so now we know how to do it.
For me it a great relief that I really can enjoy my holiday again. But it is clear to me that I have to move during the days and not just sit down and read my book. Than I can become grumpy and emotional. I need to stay in balance. Now I know how to manage my energy.

Communication

I love it when someone comments on my blog. It really helps when you know that people are reading the short pieces you write.
At the moment I feel really good. The black feelings are far away. Yesterday we had a family meeting on the boat of my brother in law. Normally I feel not good about these afternoons. I feel myself left out and I have the feeling I am no part of the family.
Yesterday I was calm and I had non of these feelings. Today I felt relaxed. I had another contact with the job agency, who are offering me another job. They really want to have me.
The job they offer was not really my kind of thing. I want a job in a company were things are not running and there is no profit. I need that the challenge to build something, to put a lot of energy in.
So I wait for that challenge...

Back again

It was a quiet week. There was not much action and my mental status was good.
Yesterday I received an email from a jobagency. They asked me for a job....

I found out that it was about the same job as last week. The owner of the business has already choosen someone. I felt good about the interest in me, but I had to say no.

Tomorrow we go to a leisure park. I hope we have a nice day and that I will keep my mental balance.
We allso discussed our next holiday last week. My wife has some doubt about it, but we will try it again next year. I think it wil go better.

The day after

We have said goodbye to my father in law. It was a very emotional but also beautiful day.
The service in the church was very respectful, but the final meeting at the cemetary was really emotional. I found it very special when my oldest son speeched his goodbye to his grandfather.
During the final song,"time to say goodbye", my youngest son started to cry. I was so touched that even I had to cry.
In the church and the cemetary my 2 boys were sitting next to me and I really felt like a father. I felt good to hold and comfort them. That is the feeling I will try to keep, even in my very darkest moments.
I believe we have grown to each other as a family during the last week. I feel my self very close to my wife and kids.
Dark emotions are far away and I feel relaxed. It is very strange that a moment of deepest emotions and such a final goodbye makes you stronger as family and helps me to overcome my disease.

Silence

It is the silence before the storm. We al are waiting for tomorrow. After the service in the church and the cemetary, it is all over and our lives will go on.
Now there is a strange emotion in the house. The kids are nice and friendly, every one is preparing on his or hers way for the things to come.
I feel no emotion, but that can change tomorrow, we will see.

It will be a beautiful day, I think.

Family

I try to feel a part of the family. It is sometimes hard, because my familymembers know each other for more than 30 years.
I feel myself sometimes standing on the sideline. They have so much history together.
At this moment when the funeral is coming I still don't feel a part of the family. It is difficult for me to say exactly why, but it feels that way.
I must attend at the funeral but I do that for my wife and kids, not for myself. I don't have much emotions with my father in law. Most of the time I have know him he was ill and complaining about his illness.
There are ofcourse also nice moments, but I have trouble to find them.
It is a strange period now and I hope it will soon be over.

Top

This afternoon I felt really happy. For the first time in months, I had that special feeling.
Everything was oke, although my father in law has died, I was on a trip with my kids and a friend of them. I enjoyed going out together.
This morning I was at the club and that felt also very good, because people were happy with me and the new saison will start next week, so everything gets back to normal.
I am preparing for the funeral on tuesday. I must try to feel a part of the family. I always had the feeling that I was standing on the sideline. At this moment I am a full member, but I don't feel that way. I never had, but that is more my interpretation.
Now I try to keep my good feeling and no one can spoil that.

Preparations

A funeral asked a lot of preparations. You must think about cards, adresses, coffin, flowers, church, times, clothes, paperwork, etc. I was sitting on the sideline and was listening to everyone. The family made their own program in the spirit of their father and husband.
I felt calm and more or less not down or emotional. Tuesday is the day, so I can prepare myself.

Back to work

Today I went back to work. One week to early, but I want to found out that going back to the daily structure, improved my mental balance.
I hate to say it, but it does. I feel really sorry for my family but today was one of the best days in the last 2 weeks. I felt no anger, no dark emotions, just a positive and good feeling. I even had a meeting at our club this evening and I really felt good.
Last night I told my wife that I felt sad about going to work and I really was. I still feel sad because my wife and kids are not able to give me that good feeling.
I have to work on that. I have to turn around this situation and find a good feeling with my family and work... is just work.

So close

The black hole was close today. In the morning I felt the anger and the irritation boiling inside my mind.
In the afternoon I had a very interesting meeting so I felt more relaxed and positive. Tomorrow I have a day off because my wife has to go to the hospital. I will look after my children and I really looking forward to that.
I hope the dark clouds will stay away and we have a nice day together. I will even make pancakes, so the party is really on.

Useful

The last days I think I am useful. People are happy with me and that gives me a good feeling. I feel relaxed and the dark clouds are far a way.
I feel full of energy and don't need much sleep. I am already looking forward to the holiday saison. I really want to have a good time with my family and hope we have better holiday than least year.
Last time I felt so unhappy and we had a great time together, we had good weather, a nice place to be, etc, but I felt like I was not there any more. I really was unhappy.
But I have treatment now and I understand my dark feelings better, so I will enjoy the time with my family and be there for them, so they have a great time also.