I had to go to a funeral. It was an old lady of 85 years, she lived next to us for a couple of years.
It was a nice service and it makes me feel good to be there. Their children were very happy with our interest, so we did a good thing.
In the morning I really felt really good. We had real fun with my collegues and we had a good time together.
It was really relaxed. I hope to get more of this days so my illness will leave my system. The mental balance is good.
Last night I felt I still have to work on my mental balance. My youngest son had a bad dream and couldn't sleep. He told that he had a nightmare about his dead.
When I heard this I really felt cold inside myself. I couldn't sleep again.
I was totally out of balance and I saw allready his empty bedroom and his grave.
Sometimes just a little thing can strike you like a rocket.
Today I had a good session with my therapist and she was allso very satisfied.
It is still a long way to go, but there is progress.
We found out that my main problem is my drive to become a winner. I allways want to be the best, but that is not important. It only keeps you going and thats no good.I allways want to stay in front, I don't want to miss anything.
This is offcourse one of the reasons for my illness.
We found out that it is more important to mean something for someone. In that way your live can get a meaning. If you only live to become number one, there is no reason for being here.
The reason for your live is to mean something for someone else.
Today it went better as yesterday. I felt more relax and the anger was far away.
I even played a game with my sons and we had a lot of pleasure. I was able to lose without any bad feelings.
It was relaxed, I was in balance and that gave me a good feeling. After the dip from yesterday I was allready in balance after one night sleep. That is a good sign.
I am better to overcome a black hole in such a short time. I had allready project 3 to 4 days to find back my mental balance, but it is there now.
Off course it helps that I had no special things to do today or to pay any visit. I was at home all the day.
But it gives me a good feeling and that is the most important lesson from today.
Today it went really well, but when I came home it really went down. My wife had a bad day because she was really tired and the kids were very noisy.
I was prepared for this so it was no surprise, but at the end when I was working on my computer it really snapped in my mind.
The anger came over me like a avalanche, I kicked against the door and became very, very angry.
I was aware of my emotions and I knew how to handle them. I became very quiet and still. I brought my son to bed without speaking one word.
My wife asked me later if she was quilty of my negative emotions, but I was only self quilty about these negative emotions.
I realised that I have a lot of work to do about myself to find my mental balance and be a nice and friendly daddy. It is allso very disappointing that I am free for a couple of days and I think I am not in a very good mood, because I have to climb back out of my Black Hole.
It was a good day today. Allthough I felt my mood went down went I arrived at the office. Someonelse was opening the premises and that is normally my job. At such a moment I can feel my mental state goes down and I get the feeling that I'm not useful anymore.
I was able to keep my head cool and worked this nasty feeling away from me.
That gaves me a great feeling of selfrespect. I was able to work this problem out and I felt myself very good in balance today.
