I believe I have to make a next step in my recovery. I must learn myself to enjoy the little things in life. I cannot live on with my unhappines. It disturbs the enviroment around me and people will turn away from me in the end.
I must find a way to get grip on my dark feelings, but it takes a lot of time
Today is a worldwide action for the enviroment, but I don't feel to be part of it.
The Black Hole striked me yesterday very hard. I was so deep down, that I have asked my wife for a divorce. She don't want and that was the only positive thing. I was so depressed and back to my darkest feelings, that I wasn't able to communicate. I just wanted to shout and leave everything. I didn't want to stay anymore with my wife and kids.
In my opinion they were better off without me. I told my wife that she must kick me out for more 10 years ago, that she become more happier with an other man, etc.
It was a very big argument, but we finished together in each other arms crying.
I thought that dark hole was far away, but in a moment it is back and hits you very hard.
Today I was very down and angry,I wasn't a nice collegue or father. At the moment I feel better and my believe in better times is a little bit back.
About the enviroment I want to see this: I don't believe we can change the climate. The earth will be much stronger than we. Every 10.000 or 100.000 years the climate will change and that is normal.
100.000 years ago it was very cold and now it becomes a little warmer. In the next 100.000 years it maybe become cold again.
Or the sun will become more powerful and than the earth will heat up, just at it will vaporize and the end of the lifecycle of the sun, in about 4,5 billion years from now.
We will see.
We have said goodbye to my father in law. It was a very emotional but also beautiful day.
The service in the church was very respectful, but the final meeting at the cemetary was really emotional. I found it very special when my oldest son speeched his goodbye to his grandfather.
During the final song,"time to say goodbye", my youngest son started to cry. I was so touched that even I had to cry.
In the church and the cemetary my 2 boys were sitting next to me and I really felt like a father. I felt good to hold and comfort them. That is the feeling I will try to keep, even in my very darkest moments.
I believe we have grown to each other as a family during the last week. I feel my self very close to my wife and kids.
Dark emotions are far away and I feel relaxed. It is very strange that a moment of deepest emotions and such a final goodbye makes you stronger as family and helps me to overcome my disease.
Music is for me a way to change my emotions. It can help me to come out of a black hole. I love to drive in my car with some loud music.
When I am down, some songs can help my to change my mood.
Like the song I am now listening to: Bad from U2.
I know this song for more than 20 years and it always feels good. When I listen to this song I feel the positive energy inside myself, it really can change my day.
Music is sometimes a way of therapy for me.
The black hole was close today. In the morning I felt the anger and the irritation boiling inside my mind.
In the afternoon I had a very interesting meeting so I felt more relaxed and positive. Tomorrow I have a day off because my wife has to go to the hospital. I will look after my children and I really looking forward to that.
I hope the dark clouds will stay away and we have a nice day together. I will even make pancakes, so the party is really on.
I went today to my therapist and it really went good. She is very satisfied about my progress and she was happy with the way I handle my dark moments.
I ask her what happens with the problems what triggered my depression. The answer is that those events will stay in my system and will be a part of my mental status, but I will learn to manage and recognize the difficult moments and handle them.
Of course I will get angry and of course I will have a bad mood sometimes, but when the black hole is coming to me I am able to manage that and stay the nice husband and father.
I must learn to face the heart of my problems and give them a place in my system.
That is the new mission for the coming weeks.
