Relieved

I am back from my holiday and it was good. I was not angry or felt down. The black hole didn't appear.
Everyday I did my exercise and loose my energy, I really took care of my food, so everyone was happy.
We had a great holiday as a family, so now we know how to do it.
For me it a great relief that I really can enjoy my holiday again. But it is clear to me that I have to move during the days and not just sit down and read my book. Than I can become grumpy and emotional. I need to stay in balance. Now I know how to manage my energy.

Leaving

Tomorrow we will leave for a holiday. I am really relaxed and I believe I will enjoy it.
I must take care of my energy level so I must walk or swim everyday.
That is also good for my blood sugar.
I hope I have the discipline to act this way. When I am on holiday I just want to do nothing.
My therapist told me that that was just very wrong for me.
I have a problem with my energy. I have to much of it.

I will write next week about my experiences

Diabetes

Today I heard that I have diabetes. I was expecting this but not so soon. My bloodsugar was 18 so I must be looking very good after myself. Maybe this is allso a trigger for my depression. I know when your bloodsugar level is going up and down your mental status is allso running up and down.
I have started with some medication already today.
I feel a little bit sad and disappointed with this news, I think a lot of nice things are over now. I really like good food and a good glas of wine, but I must take care and look for a good diet to keep my disease under control.

black hole

Back on the Front

Well I am back. After my last post I lost my feeling for writing. I was so busy with a lot of things and I felt really good.
I still feel very good, but I had 2 dark moments in the last 5 weeks. The first dark moment appears when I was out with my wife for our 12,5 year anniversary for our marriage.
I was in our hotelroom and I felt so down and empty, I even dreamed about it. The next day I was a little quiet and my wife noticed that of course. When we arrived at home my parents invited us to go out for dinner and than I also felt a little down.
In contrast of these dark moments the next evening we went out for dinner again with our kids and that felt really good. It was a surprise for them and for my wife. I had arranged it because of our anniversary. It was a great succes....
Last sunday was my second dark moment. just a second and I was so angry...
I felt really down and was not able to communicate with my wife. We both went to bed angry and quiet.
We talked with my therapist and we think that a lot of my problems appears when I have to much energy. I must get rid of these surplus of power. So now I am looking for a way to do something fysical.

Birthday

Tomorrow is my birthday and I don't feel much about it.
Today my wife and kids gave me my presents and that feels good. My wife wll take me away for a weekend in a nice town. So we will out just the two of us, like the old days.
In that weekend we also celebrates our 12,5 year of marriage, it is really something special.
Tomorrow we go together to the therapist, because my wife has some questions about my illness and how she must respond to it.
I am looking forward to that appointment and I am happy she will come along.

Doubt

Yesterday my son disappionted me again. I kept thinking about it all day and I was really in doubt about my power of being a father.
I came home and I was not able to discuss the issue and I kept quiet. He was thinking that I was angry and he kept his mouth shut.
I brought him to his bed and I only said to him that I was disappointed. That made a very big impact on him and I hope he learned finally to stay out of other mens gear.
At the end I was proud about my own patience.

Today we went together to the match and he was very easy to handle.

Next step

I believe I have to make a next step in my recovery. I must learn myself to enjoy the little things in life. I cannot live on with my unhappines. It disturbs the enviroment around me and people will turn away from me in the end.
I must find a way to get grip on my dark feelings, but it takes a lot of time

Relationship

I was feeling a little bit better today, but in the afternoon I felt that something in the relationship with my wife is changed.
For my feeling something is broken, is gone.
I felt really sad about it, but it is maybe a feeling on my side. I hope we can discuss this somewhere in the week.
Tonight I was with my youngest son to taekwondo and I was sitting there and I felt unhappy. It is unbelieveble but it is.
I think that is the great frustation of my wife, that she wants me to feel and be happy and I am not able to feel that way.
I know a lot of people wil trade place with me, but I must admit that with al the happiness around me, I feel really unhappy.
My mind made a list of all the good things, but I don't have a good feeling with those items.



I still need to do a lot of work.

Enviroment

Today is a worldwide action for the enviroment, but I don't feel to be part of it.
The Black Hole striked me yesterday very hard. I was so deep down, that I have asked my wife for a divorce. She don't want and that was the only positive thing. I was so depressed and back to my darkest feelings, that I wasn't able to communicate. I just wanted to shout and leave everything. I didn't want to stay anymore with my wife and kids.
In my opinion they were better off without me. I told my wife that she must kick me out for more 10 years ago, that she become more happier with an other man, etc.
It was a very big argument, but we finished together in each other arms crying.
I thought that dark hole was far away, but in a moment it is back and hits you very hard.
Today I was very down and angry,I wasn't a nice collegue or father. At the moment I feel better and my believe in better times is a little bit back.

About the enviroment I want to see this: I don't believe we can change the climate. The earth will be much stronger than we. Every 10.000 or 100.000 years the climate will change and that is normal.
100.000 years ago it was very cold and now it becomes a little warmer. In the next 100.000 years it maybe become cold again.
Or the sun will become more powerful and than the earth will heat up, just at it will vaporize and the end of the lifecycle of the sun, in about 4,5 billion years from now.
We will see.

Question

Hello EA,
Thanks for your comment. At the moment I am manager back office at a car dealership. I am responsible for the organisation behind the desk's. I am looking after the invoices, planning, warrantyclaims, etc.
It is very nice but it is running very good now and I cannot put much energy in it anymore, it is finished. I think someone else has to continue this proces.
So I am looking around and that gives me already a good feeling. I like the uncertainty and the look of a new adventure.

Communication

I love it when someone comments on my blog. It really helps when you know that people are reading the short pieces you write.
At the moment I feel really good. The black feelings are far away. Yesterday we had a family meeting on the boat of my brother in law. Normally I feel not good about these afternoons. I feel myself left out and I have the feeling I am no part of the family.
Yesterday I was calm and I had non of these feelings. Today I felt relaxed. I had another contact with the job agency, who are offering me another job. They really want to have me.
The job they offer was not really my kind of thing. I want a job in a company were things are not running and there is no profit. I need that the challenge to build something, to put a lot of energy in.
So I wait for that challenge...

Light

I can see a little light at the end of the tunnel. I discussed with my therapist that the treatment wil be lower in the coming period. I also thinks that it is getting better.
I know what can happen with me and I know how to treat my dark feelings.
Only holidays wil be my weak point but I will work on that.

This week the jobagency send me another email with a job and they already called me.
He asked of I am interested, but we will see. I asked him some questions and I will wait.
It feels really good when people want you.

Back again

It was a quiet week. There was not much action and my mental status was good.
Yesterday I received an email from a jobagency. They asked me for a job....

I found out that it was about the same job as last week. The owner of the business has already choosen someone. I felt good about the interest in me, but I had to say no.

Tomorrow we go to a leisure park. I hope we have a nice day and that I will keep my mental balance.
We allso discussed our next holiday last week. My wife has some doubt about it, but we will try it again next year. I think it wil go better.

Party

Today was the birthday party of my brother in law. Normally I don't like this kind of parties because I felt left alone mostly. But today it went really well. We had some nice discussions and they talked on my level.
Sometimes I feel that they don't take my for full. Now I feel better and I felt all right.
I feel good and no black hole coming.

Reject

No, I didn't get the second interview. Today I recevied the letter that I wasn't good enough. I was not surprised. During the interview I had the feeling that we didn't understand eachother. We were talking in different worlds.
So we must look further.
I don't feel falling in a big black hole. I was hoping that I was reject, because I had not a good feeling about the job after the first interview.
My eye is getting better and I have no problems with working.

Sick

Now I am sick. I had to go home because my eye was very painfull. When I looked to something it really hurts. We went to the hospital and I got eyedrops and they really help.
I was walking with sunglasses even inside. Every change in the light makes me shiver and was very painfull.
After a couple of drops it is gone and I feel good. Tomorrow I go back to work and next week the doctor wants to see me again.

Job interview

I had my job interview today. It was a good meeting, but I think they don't pick me. Not because I don't believe in myself, but they have an other idea of the job than me.
I don't feel down or full of black feelings. It was an interesting discussion about the ins and outs of the vacancy. I was very quiet about specific items. I wanted them to talk about their thoughts. That didn't work quit good, but I have no problem with that. I keep looking around.
Tonight I have a meeting at the club about some teams. I will listen to them and than make a wise decision, or not. We will see.

Interview

Next week I will have my first interview for a new job. I was surfing on the net and I found this job. I knew the company because I applied there a couple of years ago, but I couldn't get the job.
Within 3 days they called me and we made an appointment for next tuesday.
It feels really good. I know this is the first talk, but I feel relaxed and full of energy. What a difference with last sunday.
It seems that the outlook of a new step in my life makes me really feel better. But I must be aware of the possibility of a great disappointment. I am sure that I am not the only candidate, ofcourse I am the best.....
Well, we see next week.

Bad feeling

Yesterday was a black day. I felt all day the anger inside me. I had a big argument with my wife and I had the feeling that my life was over. There was nothing left to live for.
The base of our fight was my intention to change to another job. My wife wants security and she wants straight and honest answers from me. I just want to do my thing and didn't want to talk about it.
My wife was right and I have listen to her. Today I have done the things she proposed yesterday. The things I didn't want to do, for my personal reasons.
Now I feel better and things are in progress. I hope to get answers soon.
I hope the anger will leave me and I stay relaxed.