Trapped

Today I felt trapped inside my mental status. It is difficult to do something and not thinking about your illness. Everything you do, feel or think is linked to your depression.
But isn't it normal to be angry sometimes or feeling tired or having not so much fun. Isn't it normal that you are doing things that makes you not happy.
At the moment everything you feel etc. is linked to your mental health and all the time you are trying analyse all that you do, feel or think.
I have to stop with that because it makes my so tired and keeps me away from thinks that are really important.
I must focus on real life and not analyse everything.

Time

The last 2 days there was no time to be afraid of my mental status. I was so busy and my days were loaded with work and meetings.
I felt some anger when I had to do something what I didn't expected, but I was able to keep myself calm and easy and I think that nobody notice it.
I felt even something of happiness inside myself, because of the way things went these days.
Now starts the real challenge in the weekend with the family, because they know me the best and they have missed me the last 3 days. They will ask a lot of attention and interest from me, while I want to stay quiet and calm because I'm tired and want to relax.

Up

Last 2 days were good. I felt happy and confident. At my work I feel myself useful and happy. At home everything is going fine, so I have not much trouble.
But the anger is close. Someone has to say a little thing and the monster steps out.
You can feel yourself very sure about your state of mind, but in a snap you can lose yourself and you have to remind yourself that you are stil fighting with your emotions and your illness.

Sinking

The last days went up and down. I felt very good during the weekend, but sunday night it went very deep down. The predator came into my safe house and killed all of my good feelings.
It started with my son who didn't listen to me and I really got very angry. I send him to his room and my wife said to me that I did it a little bit wrong.
At such a moment I felt all my good feelings flew away from me and the monster of lack of selfrespect came in. I felt the world is no longer turning anymore, my life came to an end and will stay this way as long I live.
My selfconfidence disappeared directly and I start to think that everything is against me. I said to my wife that I felt empty and dead inside.
We talked about this and allso about my reaction on my son and that I had to make it good with him, before he went to sleep. You must never go to sleep angry she allways told me.
I talked to my son and we made it up to each other, so this thing was cleared.
My wife told me allso that I had to believe in my self and that the family have faith in me and they don't want to lose me.
When I am angry I really felt of running away from everything, but that will not solve the problem. The only way to get out of my depression is to work on myself and listen to the people who love me.

Boring

At the moment life is somewhat boring. I feel good and everything goes well.
Nothing happens so there is not much going on. Everything goes the way I liked, but 1 thing has put some pressure on me.
I was asked to help someone and I had to say no , because I wasn't able to help her with her duties.
I always have a bad feeling when I'm not able to support someone. Especially because the people has put me in charge to organise this kind of help.
I'm supporting the club of my kids with some help. I must find the volunteers to keep the club running.
This is a hard job, but on the other hand it helps me to keep myself from becoming a workaholic and to stay every day late on my daily job.
With the support of the club in the evenings and the weekends it breaks the daily routine and it keeps my mind fresh.