Normal

Everythings goes normal. I had no reaction on things said to me or about actions from me.
It all went normal.
This post becomes boring, because I have nothing to report what is very interesting.
I'm proud of my self because at the club where I do some things, the actions I take are welcomed with pleasure. People are happy with me and want to work allso positive to achive some goals at our commitee. That gives a really good feeling.
So, I have post something very positive and boosts my mental status.

Mountain

Today was a day on top of the mountain. The view was beautiful, the air was fresh and clean. I felt really in good condition.
No sign of the predator inside me and just the feeling that everything was on his place.
I must remember this day when I am down from the mountain into the deep valley of my illness.
It is a bit like the Grand Canyon when you stand on the ridge it is so overwhelming, but when you must climb up to the ridge it is a very hard job and you have the feeling that you are very deep down.
But I must keep working to stay in this good mood. Allso it keeps me hoping that I will recover from my depression, but it will be a long way and I must climb a number of times back to that ridge.

Sunshine

Today felt like a summerday. Everything was good and all the things I had struggled with the last weeks are more or less gone.
I had a good talk with my boos and he understood my problem, but he didn't want to put me outside, he just did what he felt to do without notifing me.
He will look for some other projects for me and the new job is still in progress.
It really felt good today so I will work to keep this feeling,

Up and down

This weekend my mental status went like a rollercoaster. On saturday I stand along the field and one moment I felt the monster coming up in me and the other moment I felt quiet and in balance.
This feeling was allso on sunday, I was feeling in balance but my wife said some innocent things and I felt myself very angry and pushed back. In my mind came the thought that she had enough of me and that our marriage is coming to an end.
In my mind that is a very big problem, because the ground shakes and I lose all my balance. Everything is than unsore, my whole life and everything I believe in is falling apart.
On the other hand my mind is allready working on this scenario, because I allways want to be prepared for things that are coming.
These thoughts are coming in me in about a second and I have to work hard to put everything in the right perspective.
My wife was feeling not so well and the kids made a mess in the house. I was forgotten to prepare for dinner, so offcourse she was mad, but she still loves me.

I'm happy and in balance again.

The edge

The last 3 days felt like I was walking on the edge. The first day I felt very down and upset because my life seemed to be stopped, no challenges, no future, no interesting thinks and happenings to come. I told my wife this is the way for the rest of our life, I'm at the end of my career, this is it. No one will ever work with me and I must stay in my postion till I retire.
I felt so angry that we shouted to each other and I felt a great relief when we discussed these feelings.
I felt happy that I had said these things, because I know that a lot of people like me and want to work me.
My wife insisted to make an appointment with my boss to discuss these feelings, so I will talk to him this week. He knows about my problems and he tried to understand them. He couldn't believe that I had a depression. He said that he relied on me and trusted me to keep my head cool in difficult times.
I explained to him that this was not just a thing, but is was build up in a long period of negative experiences.
Today I felt me running on the edge of good feelings because I solved some problems for a number of people and my commitments in the club of my kids is working very well.