Contact

Today I felt really good, because I have helped some one with her problem. I am very happy with the reaction of "anonymous" it really gave me a good feeling.
It is very satisfying when some one reads your blog and after that takes the time to respond on your writing.
It allso makes you happy when your experiences helps another to find a way out of her sickness.
Today I had a discussion with my boss about my competence and my motivation. He knows about my depression, but he cannot understand it. He doesn't know how it is to sit in your black hole and feel yourself absolutely unhappy.
I told him that to overcome my sickness I have to find an other job within 1 year. I really need a new challenge and this job is a little below my level.
We discussed this point and I am very lucky, he will help me to find an other job, inside our company.
If you have the same trouble or something else, please comment this blog and we will discuss it. I know when you find some one to talk about your illness, it is allways better.

Relation

Hallo anonymous, it is very important that you can discuss your sickness inside your relationship. My wife understands it better when I am angry or down. It has deepens our relationship.
When you are afraid to talk about your illness with your partner you may have a clou why your mental balance is gone.
You must trust your partner. He is maybe not able to understand you, but he has choosen to have a relation with you, it means in good, but for sure, allso in bad times. It is so important that some one next to you can cope with your struggle and give you room to be down or to feel very angry.
The people very close to you cannot take over the battle, but they can support you and give you a safe place.

Believe

Anonymous left a comment and is interested how I come to terms with my depression.
First you must recognize for yourself that you have one and that you need help. You must find someone who believes you and you can trust. You must feel safe.
From that moment you must fight the battle with yourself, but you must have a strong believe in the outcome of the battle. The first step in overcoming a disease is in your mind.
Depression is a sickness of the mind. You are no lesser than anyone else or disabled. You are a normally person who is sick.
I do it without medicine, but with the help of my very good therapist. You must face your problem and try to talk about it. Make it clear to the people around you, but only the closest one. Other people can have trouble to understand you and will ignore your problem or make advantage of it.
The most important thing is to BELIEVE that there is an end of the tunnel. By talking or writing about your daily struggle, you will see a little light in the darkness.

Battle

The battle in my mind is still going on. I feel thE anger very close to the surface, but most of the time I can keep it down. Only my wife understands the signs of the monster that is stepping out.
I am happy to have a session with my therapist on monday, so I can talk about all the things that have passed the last weeks.
It seems like my recovery is standing still or even going backwards. But when I am realistic I have come from very far and I am allready on the right track to become better. I understand my problem and I can react on it.
I feel when it is going wrong and I can take measures.
Now I feel calm and relaxed and I hope to keep it this way.

Going down

The last couple of days it went really down with my mental balance. It felt allmost the same as a year ago when I found out that I was struggling with a depression.
I felt very unhappy and down. I want my heart to stop beatin, I don't feel any challenge or happiness in my life. It felt at the moment as if my life is over. There is no future left for me in the rest of my being on earth.
These are the feelings inside my black hole.
Yesterday I had a nice day with a lot of duties, meetings to attend and so on. But I came home. late at night, and it felt like the whole world was coming down on me. I was alone. because everyone was gone to bed, so there was no one to talk about this.
In my bed the feeling of the end of my life became stronger and stronger. I really had no power the reset my mind and concentrate on something positive.
Today I felt again tired and not amused. I was angry inside myself when someone asked something or wanted something from me.
I hope the feeling will leave me this weekend, because I want to be there for my family.