Sea

Today it was like a wild sea. My state of mind went up and down.
First I heard that I won't refund some money, that really upsets me, because I really counted on it. I had calculed the amount , so I was looking for it, but it was a great disappointment.
I felt the black hole coming to me, but I was able to fight back and came back on top.
Tonight my wife said that she see progres in my illnes, so that makes me happy. She was very happy that I am more relax and enjoyable. That I have some very good moments with my kids and that the therapy is really working.
I agree with that, but there is still a long way to go.
I hope people will read this and become stronger and get more belief in their struggle. This thought really helps me to overcome my sickness.

Sick

Today I felt sick. I am very tired because we had a busy weekend and after that my mental balance went wrong.
I had to struggle to stay out of the black hole, but it is very close.
People are sometimes not fair. That is hurting me at this moment. I have a great problem to deal with that in some situations. I have to fight very hard to get these dark thoughts away and try to stay in balance.
Yesterday evening I had to go the church for a meeting with other parents and I felt not at home. Some people were so in to God that there was no ground for a real discussion about the way children must learn to understand that there is more than going to school and play soccer.
People really hang on to old traditions and don't want to open their eyes for changes. Everything changes and nothing is sure in life, times go on and the world is always turning.
The positive thing at the moment is that there are changes for other and more challenging work, but my wife is not happy with that. I don't know how to tell her and make enthousiastic. She has a lot of problems with changes and when things are not sure. She wants to be certain that the life we live now is the same in 10 or 20 years. I must fund the right moment and time to talk with her, because I start to believe in it and really like to investigate this oppertunity.

Birthday party

Yesterday my youngest son became 8 years and we celebrated this with his little friends.
It is very refreshing to hear what these young world citizens know about the world.
They know exactly which car is the fastest and in which country they are produced. The discussion was about the ranking in topspeed, but they agreed that a Ferrari is faster than a Porsche, but a Lamborghini is even faster.
They allso know all about vulcano's and there eruptions, but they discussed what is lava and what is magma.
All these subjects are discussed by 8 and 9 year old kids on the backseat of my car.
It really makes me happy to here such simple things, because it gave me a great reason to be here and to enjoy these kids for their honesty and their strong believe in what they say. They really believed every word they said to each other in the back on our way to the playfarm.

Answer

I still looking for the answer why I lost my mental balance? I have everything, a very lovely wife, a good marriage, 2 very healhty kids, a very nice job, a nice house and a very good car, but still can get very unhappy.
Ofcourse I talked a lot about this with my wife and my therapist, but it sometimes surprised me that I can get so depressed.
Last weekend my son had a tournament at the club. He played for 2 days and I was there to support him. But around noon I had to go home to do some other things and I felt myself getting down because I left him there. My wife said that he must learn that we cannot support him al the time, but I felt depressed about that.
It was just like I was young and I did everything without my parents because they had no time for me. I really want to protect my kids for that feeling, but on the other hand they have to learn to become selfsupporting.
I have a lot of difficulties by finding the right answers for this kind of questions.
And the joke is... my kids have no problem with that.

No depression

It is quiet inside my mind. It seems there is no depression. Everything goes nice and easy.
I know it is there underneath the surface, but it isn't coming out now.
It gives me a good feeling that there is progress in my sickness and that I can handle my mental balance better, but I'm afraid that a little thing can happen and it will burst out to the surface.
I hope not, but I am realistic, the struggle is not over yet. There is stil a long way to go.