Power

Today I needed my power.My father in law is in the hospital and they more or less fear for his life. Now I have no time to think about my illnes, but I need to be strong for my wife.
But now I am stepping a side and that is no good. I must stay focused on my one problems, I cann't hide them.
I will support my wife in this difficult moments, but I allso have to pay attention on my own situation.
Today I had a good conversation with my boss. He will support me when I needed more or other therapy. The company is insured for hese kind of problems, so if I want more help, they wil find it for me.
I know this a unique offer and when I need it, I will use it.

My kids today told me that they feel unhappy when I got to work last monday. They miss me, because they thought that I was at home this week.

I must be proud about such a statement.

Back to work

Today I went back to work. One week to early, but I want to found out that going back to the daily structure, improved my mental balance.
I hate to say it, but it does. I feel really sorry for my family but today was one of the best days in the last 2 weeks. I felt no anger, no dark emotions, just a positive and good feeling. I even had a meeting at our club this evening and I really felt good.
Last night I told my wife that I felt sad about going to work and I really was. I still feel sad because my wife and kids are not able to give me that good feeling.
I have to work on that. I have to turn around this situation and find a good feeling with my family and work... is just work.

Relation

Today I had a long discussion with my wife about our relationship. We both had a bad holiday and she knows why, but she was not so happy with me. I told her that my struggle have taken a lot of time and I am only concentrated on myself. She was angry because I destroyed their holiday and also she understood my problems, she was not happy.
I wanted to go to work tomorrow to get my structure back in my daily routine. She was not happy because I left her again with the children, but she let me free, so I wil start tomorrow.
In my heart I want to stay at home for a week, but it is better for our emotions to be away. Not that we have problems with our marriage, but I can get very angry about nothing.
Our marriage is good we both think and we still love each other, so that is oke for the moment.

The day after

It was nice to sleep in our own bed and eat together at our table. This morning it all went good, but in the afternoon I got very angry and I couldn't understand why.
We were in a shop to buy some garden furniture but they had not our choice. We had to go to an other shop and I lost all my positive feelings. I was so angry that I could not buy what I want at that moment. It really blow up all of our good moods.
I had to struggle very hard with myself to stay nice for everyone. But in the car I was only thinking about leaving my family and move to an island were no one ever came. I really hated this live and didn't want to be a part of it.
Now I am little bit cooled off and are more easy. We bought the furniture and it will be delivered next week. My wife is very happy, so I most focus on that and overcome my own dark emotions.

Back in town

So , I am back in town and I am very happy.It was a hard time on vacation. First of all the weather was bad in the first week and I felt really bad.
On the second day I asked myself what I was doing there. I didn't like the vacationpark.
The third day we went bowling and I felt myself on an other planet. The people who where sitting there weren't my type, so I felt not at home.
The fifth day I really felt down and wonder how fast we could go back home. I felt really unhappy and in my black hole.
That feeling stays with me for about 2 days. I was very happy when my brother and sister in law came over for a visit. We had a good time together and I felt relaxed. It was very good and was convinced that I was able to handle my emotions for the rest of the week.
The day after was really bad. I felt very down from in a moment and I could not loose that feeling for the rest of the day. I felt sorry for my wife and kids because I was ruin there day and maybe there holiday. I really want to have the power to overcome these dark emotions and be a nice husband and father.
That night we talked about it and I think that I need a structure in my days. Normally I go to work and follow my daily routine, but on holiday there is no structure and that makes my uncertain.
We talked about her feelings about this holiday and she was not happy with my emotional problems. She is trying to keep us all relaxed, but when one of the kids begins to ask for something I feel the anger boiling inside me and I cannot react in a normal way.
I told my wife that I stay home next year and that I keep working, so I feel secure.
But I like to go out, I like to stay out with my family, I like to travel, so I there is a lot of work to do for next year.