Struggle

The last two days were a struggle to keep my head up. After we gave our children there penalty, I was very upset about it. I felt very disappointed about this punishment. But I had something to look forward to.
This trip with the boys from the shop had a false start because of sending the wrong bus.
In the morning I had a clash with a collegue about answering the phone.
The night before I only had slept for 4 hours because of my son, who had trouble with his teeth.
All this together weakened my emotional balance very much. I was thinking of just going home and hide myself in the garage of so. I had just one thought and that was just run.
But I was able to keep my mind clear and found some balance back.
The evening with the boys was very nice and I really was relaxed. It was a good thing to do this kind of things, just to restore my emotional balance and lose all the bad thought and feelings.
I lost all my anger and today I felt very tired, but more or less happy. Tomorrow I will try to become less tired and feeling in balance again.

Pressure

It was full of pressure today. At the office I had to replace 2 collegues and try to do my job. I had to finish some of my own work because the month is coming to an end. But 2 collegues are ill so the pressure is coming up and there was to much work for everyone.
It was difficult for me to keep calm and stay relax. I want to finish my jobs, so I can stay in line with the timeplanning, but I'm able to replace other people and that is very nice for the management to put me in charge on some other places.
At home I had to tell my kids that I had the punish them. This conversation was in my mind all the day and makes me unhappy.
We told tonight the penalty to our children and I felt a bit reliefed that the message was coming through. I think they will perform better in the time to come. Tomorrow night I will go out with my collegues and that will relax me. I'm looking forward to this event.

At the edge

My wife spoke to me about something I had fixed this weekend and it failed again.
At the moment she told me so, I felt like I was standing on the edge of a very large and deep crater.
It felt like the ground was pushing me to the rim and I felt complete lost. I had to talk to myself for a couple of hours to lose these feeling and find my balance back.
This close is still the feeling of joy and balance from the total deep black hole.
I told my wife about this and she will be afraid of saying something to me. But that is not right. She must talk to me just as normal.
I have to work on that problem that all things that are said no longer bring me out of balance. I must stop thinking to far when someone speeks to me.
The problem is most of the time that I felt like defending myself.
People are trying to help and support me. I feel like they are attacking me.
This is maybe the base of my deeper problem and I must work on this issue.

Free

Today was free of mental trouble. I was just doing my job and felt good about it. It was going the way I wanted it.
Yesterday was a very nice day with the visit of my best friend and his family. We just had a nice afternoon together, very relaxed.
They stayed for dinner and it was very nice to hear the kids making jokes and making magic tricks. This was something I have to live for.
I must be very pleased with such a moment, just simpel pleasure and no problems and very difficult issues in my head.
These are the moments that life is pure and simple.
For a couple of years I wouldn't even think about this things, but now I'm spectator and comment s these kind of situations.
The trouble is that I must stay part of it and be inside the fun and good feeling, rather than standing on the sideline and just overview the situation as a spectator.
This is the next step in my fight, to be not afraid of having fun.

Regular

It was just normal the last 2 days. Nothing gets me out of balance. We were awake the half of the night because our son had a lot of pain in his mouth. But I felt no disturbance during the day. the balance was very good.
I'm looking out for tomorrow when one of mine oldest friend wil visit us. Something I 'm allways looking forward. It relax me and will keep me away of thinking of my problems.
I still thinks the human mind is something very special and delicate. You must just step outside the your border of you experience something during your early days and the rest of your life you have to struggle with it.
I'm aware of this when I raise my kids. It is very important that you work carefully with the things they experience in their life. They trust you and must rely on you. That is something what I allways keep in mind.