Routine

Every day is the same. Everything is back to normal. I have some form of mental balance. It is just routine.
At the office it goes well, no exciting events. At home it is all quiet and calm.
I feel relaxed and happy.
But somewhere inside my mind there is still that little voice what tells me that I have to move forward. It is quiet and very far away, but I can hear it.
My mental balance will be disrupted at some moment and the struggle will begin.
I hope it will stay calm for a long time

Final

It is over. The event is ready and done. It was a busy day with a lot of things to do and handle, but it al went well.
I had some stress the day before, but it went well. People were helpful and were pleased with me and my help. The only thing that we were missing was visitors but that was all.
Now I have a little pain in my muscles and I feel a little tired. Yesterday I went to bed very early and had a good nnight sleep.
I feel reliefed and satisfied that I was part of it and really could handle that pressure. Even when a lot of people were calling for me I felt calm and relaxed. I kept saying to myself, "stay calm, one thing at the time, what is more important, etc". Now it is finished and we go one to the next event.

Event

Coming saturday I am responsible for a event at our club. I feel relaxed about it, but I feel the nerves coming.
All the questions about everything running in my mind. But together with some other people I think it will be a succes.
Normally I will be there every minute and call every one to be sure it will be oké.
The illness keeps me calm. I realize that it has no effect to pump up my bloodpressure and puts mu heart beat above 150.
I keep calm with the thougt that I had done everything what I could do to make it a succes. And I believe it will be.

I keep learning every day

Therapy

This afternoon I had talk therapy. It was the first time in 7 weeks and I really needed it. It is always nice to talk about your illness and feel yourself and your problems understood.
It is getting better after this bad weekend. I have more control about my emotions and feel more relaxed.
This week we have a great event in our local area and I will be responsible for the saturday. That gives a bit of stress. That feels good, but I feel also a little fear that it goes wrong. That makes me uncertain, but I try to handle that.

Down

It was a black day. In the morning I had a argument withmy youngest son.
At the club I became very anger about an other father about his yelling to my oldest son. I was so angry that I just walked away from the field.
I went to do the shopping and my wife stayed at the club. I had no power to stay.
In the afternoon I visited and old friend. I did this to get myself out of my black hole.I felt happy that I was out and my thoughts are getting better and I am not so down anymore.