Back on the Front

Well I am back. After my last post I lost my feeling for writing. I was so busy with a lot of things and I felt really good.
I still feel very good, but I had 2 dark moments in the last 5 weeks. The first dark moment appears when I was out with my wife for our 12,5 year anniversary for our marriage.
I was in our hotelroom and I felt so down and empty, I even dreamed about it. The next day I was a little quiet and my wife noticed that of course. When we arrived at home my parents invited us to go out for dinner and than I also felt a little down.
In contrast of these dark moments the next evening we went out for dinner again with our kids and that felt really good. It was a surprise for them and for my wife. I had arranged it because of our anniversary. It was a great succes....
Last sunday was my second dark moment. just a second and I was so angry...
I felt really down and was not able to communicate with my wife. We both went to bed angry and quiet.
We talked with my therapist and we think that a lot of my problems appears when I have to much energy. I must get rid of these surplus of power. So now I am looking for a way to do something fysical.

Birthday

Tomorrow is my birthday and I don't feel much about it.
Today my wife and kids gave me my presents and that feels good. My wife wll take me away for a weekend in a nice town. So we will out just the two of us, like the old days.
In that weekend we also celebrates our 12,5 year of marriage, it is really something special.
Tomorrow we go together to the therapist, because my wife has some questions about my illness and how she must respond to it.
I am looking forward to that appointment and I am happy she will come along.

Doubt

Yesterday my son disappionted me again. I kept thinking about it all day and I was really in doubt about my power of being a father.
I came home and I was not able to discuss the issue and I kept quiet. He was thinking that I was angry and he kept his mouth shut.
I brought him to his bed and I only said to him that I was disappointed. That made a very big impact on him and I hope he learned finally to stay out of other mens gear.
At the end I was proud about my own patience.

Today we went together to the match and he was very easy to handle.

Next step

I believe I have to make a next step in my recovery. I must learn myself to enjoy the little things in life. I cannot live on with my unhappines. It disturbs the enviroment around me and people will turn away from me in the end.
I must find a way to get grip on my dark feelings, but it takes a lot of time

Relationship

I was feeling a little bit better today, but in the afternoon I felt that something in the relationship with my wife is changed.
For my feeling something is broken, is gone.
I felt really sad about it, but it is maybe a feeling on my side. I hope we can discuss this somewhere in the week.
Tonight I was with my youngest son to taekwondo and I was sitting there and I felt unhappy. It is unbelieveble but it is.
I think that is the great frustation of my wife, that she wants me to feel and be happy and I am not able to feel that way.
I know a lot of people wil trade place with me, but I must admit that with al the happiness around me, I feel really unhappy.
My mind made a list of all the good things, but I don't have a good feeling with those items.



I still need to do a lot of work.