Struggle

The last 2 days I had to struggle against falling into my Black- Hole.
I felt really tired and I can sleep the whole afternoon.
I allso felt the anger coming up when things didn't work the way I wanted. I even ran away from a situation because I didn't want it to evolve in a big fight and a sinking away in the deep. I had more appointments that day so I want to stay in balance and don't stay angry allday.
Yesterday afternoon was very relax with my family and I didn't felt tired or so. But today I have slept all afternoon, because I was exhausted.
These feeling is unknown to me because normally I have energy enough to go on and on. I sleep every night about 6 hours and that is enough.
I allso feel no inspiration to do soem thing, I just want to sit down and just do nothing. I think this a part of the healing of my depression and I must admit that I loose energy because of the struggle. The harder I must struggle, the more I miss the nergy to do other things.

No Time

The last days I had no time to work on my blog. My mind was not set to think about items to publish.
It really helps me when I'm down or in a difficult period, but when things go oke, the need to write down is less.
Still,it is very important to look at your mental balance, even in good times. Now I am able to oversee some items which were very hard to face when you are out of balance.
For example I know I'm very rich with a good marriage and 2 healthy kids. We have not much big problems, exept my depression. But we can talk about it very open, so we understand eachother.
I am allso very happy with my job, allthough I think I have to move on because I'm getting bored of my daily job. I'm thinking of new challenges and that gives me a lot positive energy. There are so many changes in the world to enrich your live, that I feel the power of these games in myself.
Before I take a new challenge I first have to work to make my mental balance stronger. I know that a dive in the blackness of my depression is not far away.

Calm sea

It is just like floating on a quiet sea. Everything goes well and I feel very good. The anger is far away and offcourse there is some anger at the usual moments, but they aren't special.
It is normal that you get angry at your children when they didn't listen or don't do what you ask them to do.
I really must think that is "normal "anger.
This weekend we had a family party and I felt good. I didn't felt lesser than anyone else or that kind of thoughts.
My son told last night that he couldn't go to sleep without seeing me. That really keeps you on your feet. We had before a big argument, because he didn't want to go to sleep, and I was tired so we clashed. After that he had to say goodnight to me because we allways say to each other: Don't be angry when you go to sleep.
You must recognize these moments to believe in the cure of your disease. I must think of this moment when I fall down in my Black Hole. At such a moment it is allways very difficult to remember the positive thinks.

No time

The last 4 days I had no time to work on my Blog. Every evening I had some appointments but I miss my Blog.
At he moment there is nothing going on. I feel balance and nothing disturbs it.
Last night my son had to play a soccergame and it went wrong. He was not concentrated and the other side played really mean. At some moments I felt the monster of my anger coming up, especially when my son was attacked or when he was sleeping on his feet.
Now I can understand that feeling and keep it inside myself.
These weekend we will have a celebration in the family, but now I have no problems with it, so I'm waiting what will happen.
At the office work is going well, but in my mind I'm allready making plans and looking for new business to go one. I cannot sit still, I am human.
My therapist is satisfied with the way I work on my mental health, so that gives allso a good feeling.

Party

This weekend I had a party. I was not looking forward to it, because I hate to stand there and feel myself less than everyone else, because they they had it made in their lives or they look down on me.
I am not sure of that but I feel it sometimes that way. People who came on that party are relatives of the host of the party and a lot of them I didn't know or I didn't want them to know.
I felt very tired before we went there and I really was looking for ways not to go there.

But...

The party was very nice. The people I spook with were very nice. I even have danced with my wife and I had no feeling that people were looking down on me.
I felt really good that we visit the party and we were a little bit disappointent that we had to leave early because of the babysitter.

So, I must judge things before I have experience them.